The love of a child.

I have a daughter, who is ten, and if you are a parent, you know that ten is MUCH older than nine. Seriously. Double digits, fourth grade, independence looming, whatever it is, it is WAY different. But the love feels the same. Our daughter is a total miracle, I mean, what else could she be being born to two moms? From the moment that she was thought of, she was loved beyond compare. From feeling her moving around in my tummy, to seeing her moments after her arrival on this earth, to watching her walking, talking, running- for the first time. To wiping away the tears, crying with her, cheering her on, feeling her despair, all of it is love of a child, love for a child.

There are moments when I can absolutely hardly believe how amazing I think that she is. How smart that she is, how creative, loving, selfless. However, it is when she looks into my eyes, or grabs my hand, that I feel that love that she has for me. Her heart is overflowing, and I feel it run from her to me, heart to heart. When we are walking in public, and even though it isn't cool to do so, she grabs my hand all of a sudden, and walks with me. When I am just barely asleep, and she tucks me in with my stuffed animal. When I tell her "I love you", and she says back to me immediately, "I love you more"; it absolutely sends me into orbit.

Without her, I would be dust. With her, I am over the moon.

Good versus Evil

Heath Ledger died yesterday. For those of you that do not know who he is, he played Ennis DelMar in the movie "Brokeback Mountain". He moved me to a sobbing mess each time I have watched that film. It was a stunning performance. His death is tragic enough- 28, father, gifted actor, family support, good hearted guy.

Then, if his death weren't enough of a loss, Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church have decided that since he played a gay character in a movie, then he depicted and encouraged a way of life that is an abomination. So, according to Mr. Phelps, Heath has not only found his place in Hell as of today, but he and his followers will be picketing at Heath's funeral, holding up I assume some glorious signs such as "God hates fags", and "Pervert". As if his family won't be tortured enough. This is the same man, Mr. Phelps that is, a man of God supposedly, who carries these same signs at the funerals of individuals that he believes may have been gay, including Matthew Shepherd. He also presents his group at the funerals of soldiers who have died in Iraq, because any soldier who dies for a country that supports homosexuality should be doomed to hell.

Huh??? I just don't get some people. Mr. Phelps believes that we as gays and lesbians are so henious, so evil, that he believes he is justified in saying such awful things after a loved one has passed on. And, at the same time, declares he is doing it in the name of God. Are you serious? I mean, I believe in God, I believe in the presence of Jesus in my life, I believe in all the beauty and awe that surrounds me as being outside of my control, yet I am gay. Could I be that loved that God made me exactly as I am? I know that often this derogatory message that he carries is met with anger and resentment, because he portrays God as vengeful, angry, almost hateful in his manner toward his followers. Even when I know that I make mistakes, even when I seek forgiveness, I never believe that God wants to belittle, shame, or punish me. I know that I am a good person. I know that I am not evil. I am not even sure how prevalent evil is in our world. Until Fred Phelps comes along. Then I wonder.......

Meeting needs aren't mutually exclusive, are they?

I am a dreamer. Always have been. At times, the realist in me has taken over, and I have faced up to the real life drama that is unfolding in the moment. But, much of the time, I feel the need to aspire, be, do, MORE!!!! What I have figured out about myself is that, it is not that I need to work five jobs, or that I will never decide what I want to do for a career- it is that I want it to be big, really, big, and really see the impact on those that I help, educate and serve.

But, is it possible for two persons in a relationship to BOTH have what they BOTH want, as individuals? Is there room in an intimate, partnered relationship for more than one person's dream? Or is it that only one can be pursued at a time, and the other sacrifices willingly, until it is his/her turn? I never really thought it worked that way. Again, remember, I AM A DREAMER. In addition, I BELIEVE THE REALIZATION OF DREAMS IS POSSIBLE, NOT ONLY POSSIBLE, BUT NECESSARY TO STAY WITH THE VITALITY OF LIFE. We need to not only dream what we want, but understand that those dreams can become our life, our days, our unfolding joy. I do believe, I do believe. And, I do believe that both persons in a relationship can have that for themselves at the same time. And, the corny, crazy part about it for me is, I want her to have her dreams, goals and desires. I want us both to have them, and all the more intense and joyful our future will be if we do. My desire to have it for myself is not so that I can have it for myself without her right beside me- been there, done that. I want us to walk the path together, doing what we love as a couple, and as two powerful, courageous, beautiful women as well. When you love yourself that much, to go after your dream, I think it becomes less about sacrifice and more about just the way things ought to be.

DREAMER, you say?? You bet your life. And I would have it no other way........

life, love, reflection, and no going back......

what a year it has been! I mean, leaving the love of my life, soul searching, looking for meaning, trying to connect, to be, to figure it all out. Then, reuniting with that same person I am so meant to be with!!! I feel like I just got off the roller coaster after riding ten times in a row! But this is a new year, a new year with joy and promise and hope and tons of redemption. You see, I have finally forgiven myself. Not that I needed to do that, but for some foolish reason, i thought I had to forgive myself for leaving in the first place. I have realized that it isn't so. I don't need forgiveness, even to myself. I left because the love was lost, and now, the love has been found again, by both of us. So, we begin anew. No regrets. No resentments. A fresh start, a clean slate, a chance to do it from today forward, with a new perspective, and a greater respect for one another and the relationship. My life is so blessed, so vast and great of a journey, that I cannot help but enjoy it and find adventure in each day of it!! No looking back, no wondering about what ifs, just going forward into days and weeks and months of newness and love and connection and support and respect and joy, pure joy.

I have had several persons ask me if splitting up is what saved our relationship. To me, that is oversimplistic, and trite in some way. I don't know that we had to split up to survive, but I think that it allowed us to explore and to better understand what we needed to do to keep it working, and keep communicating with one another. For I firmly believe that we will grow old together, be there for one another, send our daughter off into her life, and still be holding hands and basking in the joy of our love, for all eternity..........

Embrace the joy!!!!!

Today, this is my ode to joy. I can't guarantee that I won't break into song as I write it, but it is not THAT kind of "Ode to Joy". It is my tribute to that feeling of pure being, pure love and connection and beauty, that I would call JOY.

I have been contemplating many, many things today. My reuniting with my love, a new job on the horizon, moving back into our home that we shared for years. And, most recently, facing some health issues that could be serious. Yet, my word and thought and feeling for today is JOY!

You see, no matter what challenge I face, no matter how dire it appears, no matter how frightened I may be, I feel pure joy and presence in my life as it is. I am grateful, humble, overwhelmed, connected, and loved. I am so appreciative of all of the gifts in my life, in the forms of humans, animals, nature, feelings, intellect, and spirit. I feel like my soul is constantly alive with the introduction of new and exciting experiences. I trust that no matter what I will face in this life, I will be strong and supported enough to endure it, to survive it, to handle it, to embrace and savor it. JOY.

There are, of course, moments of my life that I recollect in my memory that are more joyful than others, by far. The birth of our daughter. The recent marriage of my sister. My college graduation. Falling in love with Jamie. However, they may be the highlights, but are by far not the only moments of joy in my life. Life, to me, is one, eternal, joyful ride.

I read on a friend's blog today, about drinking champagne punch, any ol' time. Not drinking champagne just for those extra special moments, not waiting until a formal occasion to dress up, to dance, to celebrate. The joy of our lives is NOW, HERE, TODAY. Please, please, I say to all of you, JUMP ON AND DON'T MISS IT!!!!!!!!!

Have respect for the lessons

In the last few months, in the last year even, I have tried, and sometimes been successful, in trying to understand the meaning of some of the lessons that I have had before me. Many of those lessons were painful ones, and, possibly like many of you that read my crazy kind of blog, I often seem to need to learn my lessons in life the hard way. And, often, it takes several times of facing the same challenge before I am good and ready to learn the lesson at hand.

There is no doubt that I have learned to fully let go in the last year, to not obsess over the reason for a lesson to come my way. Given time, and patience, I always came to know why the lesson was there. I also learned to become grateful for the lessons that were in front of me, even those that I was angry about, or hurt, or lost, or just plain old fed up. Eventually, I learned to become grateful for those lessons on loss, hurt, and pain. They always brought me good outcomes and information about myself and others.

I have learned a new aspect of lesson learning in my life. That is, the concept of having respect for the lessons. Not just being grateful, not just gaining an understanding of what the lessons mean. Not just trusting the process of what I am going through. But the actual lesson of respect at the immense nature of what I am learning. Being in awe of how beautiful the living of life is, and my role in that. The absolute stunning nature of the path that I am walking, of the scenery on that path.

I further believe, through the idea of respect, that I learn to have it more for myself as well. I mean, it has been one hell of a year. Probably one of the most challenging of my life so far, without sounding overdramatic. Respect for the darkness, respect for the light, respect for the strength I managed to bring up in the midst of illness, heartache, physical and emotional pain, goodbyes, and moves. Strength in the midst of new adventures, love, new people, new places, and pure joy and peace. Respect is about putting forth what an immense impact something, or someone has had on you. I respect this journey, this life, these lessons, so much. In gratitude, and respect, and awe, I express my blessings and joy in today, and all the todays yet to come.

Peace out......

Never, ever, say never!

I remember when I was in my teens, and believe me, that was quite awhile ago...... Anyway, I remember reading articles about women listing all of the things that they said they would never do, and then, later in life, ended up doing them. I swore I would NEVER be one of those women, that there was surely some things that I would NEVER, EVER do. Like color my hair (what was I thinking? It is great to try new colors, especially if the colors cover the gray.....). What else? I would never smoke again after I stopped smoking ten years ago- WRONG!!! I would NEVER go to graduate school- I went and finished years ago. I have been thinking about this, and am really not sure why it was so important to say NEVER to certain things. What was I afraid of?

I am looking at the idea of never a little bit differently today. In my present state of mind, which seems to be pretty calm, clear, and coherent, I believe that to say NEVER to something, anything, is to limit the possibilities of your life. I doesn't mean that we have to take a no holds barred approach to our lives, that anything goes. But, if the word NEVER keeps us back from trying something new, healthy, or hopeful, we need to stop using it and living by it.

For me, I think the word never in my vocabulary, even in the last few months, has been used out of fear. Fear of what will happen if I do that particular thing, if I date that particular person, if I try again at that long term relationship. The word "never", at least for a time, kept me protected, so I didn't have to be vulnerable to all of the untidy details of life. Boy, I am SOOOOO glad that I was wrong about this word.

I really believed that I would NEVER, EVER, have a second chance at reconciling with my true love. WHY? Because I really believed that she would NEVER, EVER forgive me, or forget what had happened when I left her. I really believed that we could NEVER move forward from that hurt, even though I was hurt, too, I didn't know if we could walk a new, brighter path together. I was so wrong. If I had continued with that way of thinking, I would not have tried to reach out, be vulnerable, FACE MY FEARS. I have faced a lot of fears in my life, and I have to say some of the most daunting have had to do with saying I would NEVER do something, and then, putting on my courage and trying that very thing.

Do yourself a favor. NEVER say NEVER again. How free you will be!!!!!!!!!!!!