Embrace the joy!!!!!

Today, this is my ode to joy. I can't guarantee that I won't break into song as I write it, but it is not THAT kind of "Ode to Joy". It is my tribute to that feeling of pure being, pure love and connection and beauty, that I would call JOY.

I have been contemplating many, many things today. My reuniting with my love, a new job on the horizon, moving back into our home that we shared for years. And, most recently, facing some health issues that could be serious. Yet, my word and thought and feeling for today is JOY!

You see, no matter what challenge I face, no matter how dire it appears, no matter how frightened I may be, I feel pure joy and presence in my life as it is. I am grateful, humble, overwhelmed, connected, and loved. I am so appreciative of all of the gifts in my life, in the forms of humans, animals, nature, feelings, intellect, and spirit. I feel like my soul is constantly alive with the introduction of new and exciting experiences. I trust that no matter what I will face in this life, I will be strong and supported enough to endure it, to survive it, to handle it, to embrace and savor it. JOY.

There are, of course, moments of my life that I recollect in my memory that are more joyful than others, by far. The birth of our daughter. The recent marriage of my sister. My college graduation. Falling in love with Jamie. However, they may be the highlights, but are by far not the only moments of joy in my life. Life, to me, is one, eternal, joyful ride.

I read on a friend's blog today, about drinking champagne punch, any ol' time. Not drinking champagne just for those extra special moments, not waiting until a formal occasion to dress up, to dance, to celebrate. The joy of our lives is NOW, HERE, TODAY. Please, please, I say to all of you, JUMP ON AND DON'T MISS IT!!!!!!!!!

Have respect for the lessons

In the last few months, in the last year even, I have tried, and sometimes been successful, in trying to understand the meaning of some of the lessons that I have had before me. Many of those lessons were painful ones, and, possibly like many of you that read my crazy kind of blog, I often seem to need to learn my lessons in life the hard way. And, often, it takes several times of facing the same challenge before I am good and ready to learn the lesson at hand.

There is no doubt that I have learned to fully let go in the last year, to not obsess over the reason for a lesson to come my way. Given time, and patience, I always came to know why the lesson was there. I also learned to become grateful for the lessons that were in front of me, even those that I was angry about, or hurt, or lost, or just plain old fed up. Eventually, I learned to become grateful for those lessons on loss, hurt, and pain. They always brought me good outcomes and information about myself and others.

I have learned a new aspect of lesson learning in my life. That is, the concept of having respect for the lessons. Not just being grateful, not just gaining an understanding of what the lessons mean. Not just trusting the process of what I am going through. But the actual lesson of respect at the immense nature of what I am learning. Being in awe of how beautiful the living of life is, and my role in that. The absolute stunning nature of the path that I am walking, of the scenery on that path.

I further believe, through the idea of respect, that I learn to have it more for myself as well. I mean, it has been one hell of a year. Probably one of the most challenging of my life so far, without sounding overdramatic. Respect for the darkness, respect for the light, respect for the strength I managed to bring up in the midst of illness, heartache, physical and emotional pain, goodbyes, and moves. Strength in the midst of new adventures, love, new people, new places, and pure joy and peace. Respect is about putting forth what an immense impact something, or someone has had on you. I respect this journey, this life, these lessons, so much. In gratitude, and respect, and awe, I express my blessings and joy in today, and all the todays yet to come.

Peace out......

Never, ever, say never!

I remember when I was in my teens, and believe me, that was quite awhile ago...... Anyway, I remember reading articles about women listing all of the things that they said they would never do, and then, later in life, ended up doing them. I swore I would NEVER be one of those women, that there was surely some things that I would NEVER, EVER do. Like color my hair (what was I thinking? It is great to try new colors, especially if the colors cover the gray.....). What else? I would never smoke again after I stopped smoking ten years ago- WRONG!!! I would NEVER go to graduate school- I went and finished years ago. I have been thinking about this, and am really not sure why it was so important to say NEVER to certain things. What was I afraid of?

I am looking at the idea of never a little bit differently today. In my present state of mind, which seems to be pretty calm, clear, and coherent, I believe that to say NEVER to something, anything, is to limit the possibilities of your life. I doesn't mean that we have to take a no holds barred approach to our lives, that anything goes. But, if the word NEVER keeps us back from trying something new, healthy, or hopeful, we need to stop using it and living by it.

For me, I think the word never in my vocabulary, even in the last few months, has been used out of fear. Fear of what will happen if I do that particular thing, if I date that particular person, if I try again at that long term relationship. The word "never", at least for a time, kept me protected, so I didn't have to be vulnerable to all of the untidy details of life. Boy, I am SOOOOO glad that I was wrong about this word.

I really believed that I would NEVER, EVER, have a second chance at reconciling with my true love. WHY? Because I really believed that she would NEVER, EVER forgive me, or forget what had happened when I left her. I really believed that we could NEVER move forward from that hurt, even though I was hurt, too, I didn't know if we could walk a new, brighter path together. I was so wrong. If I had continued with that way of thinking, I would not have tried to reach out, be vulnerable, FACE MY FEARS. I have faced a lot of fears in my life, and I have to say some of the most daunting have had to do with saying I would NEVER do something, and then, putting on my courage and trying that very thing.

Do yourself a favor. NEVER say NEVER again. How free you will be!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you hear nature speaking to you?

I love nature. I love every aspect of nature, whether it is a running stream, a field of wildflowers, a family of bunnies living in my yard, planting flowers, or watching the first snowfall. There are dozens of other examples, but suffice it to say that I feel one with nature, connected to it in a very intimate, personal way. It could be my Native American roots that strengthen that bond. I have Native heritage on both sides of my family, and my identification with that specific part of my ethnicity could help to explain the closeness. I not only admire nature and all it involves, but I have great respect for it as well, and try to treat it as gently and lovingly as possible.

Today, I am actively contemplating what aspect of nature most speaks to me, one that is like a nagging voice in my head more often than any other. I feel a strong connection to bodies of water, and that which I feel most connected to emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually, is the ocean.

I have made vacations and day trips to the ocean since I was a small child growing up. I remember many family vacations, camping trips, and day trips, to Hampton Beach in New Hampshire, and to Cape Cod in Massachusetts. I remember standing in the sand as the waves broke over my feet on the beach, and how it appeared that I was moving, when I wasn't. I remember romping in the waves, riding them, getting knocked over, tasting salt in my mouth, my eyes and throat burning.

As an adult, I have made a pilgrimage to an ocean destination almost every year. Whether it be the North Carolina coast, where my parents rented a house for a week for ten years, or trips on vacation to Provincetown, Dennisport, or other Cape Cod destinations, or even areas in Delaware such as Rehoboth or Dewey beaches. I even visited the ocean last month in Florida, and got to romp in the Gulf of Mexico.

The ocean speaks to me when it roars, waves high and crashing loudly, knocking me over, surfing me to the shore, and reminding me of how mighty it is. The ocean speaks to me when it is calm, softly touching the sand, reflective and soothing. The ocean speaks to me with the sun and moon reflected in it, showing all that exists above it.

I remember when I was in my thirties, and my older brother died. I knew I needed to grieve, although his death had been imminent. I knew that my grief had to be observed in my own way, separate from my family, because of the level of denial that they had about his disease. I knew I had to go somewhere that would allow me to feel comfort, and also to feel the presence of his spirit. Without hesitation, I knew that I had to go to the ocean, somewhere, to connect. I travelled to the Jersey shore, I am not even sure where exactly. It was March, so it was cold and desolate there. The town was locked up tight. I walked out on the sand, stared at the wide vastness of it all, and spoke to the ocean, and listened to it speak back to me and give me comfort. I was there for only a few moments, but it brought part of my healing process that I so desperately needed.

Do you hear nature speaking to you? Is it whispering or shouting? Will you answer?

The power of healing

I wasn't really sure what to title this segment of my ongoing life saga. But healing seems to be a pretty constant theme in my life recently. Healing of mine, healing of those around me. After so much pain and growth and tears and tearing apart of things, I think I was long overdue for some serious healing time.

One year ago, I made a decision that tore at the heart of my life at that time, by leaving my committed relationship with my partner. Believe me, it was not a decision that was made easily, or not after what was months of self-talk and thinking about it. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life. But necessary. Necessary or not, self-loving or not, it hurt like hell. It opened up a wound in me that I thought would never heal, for the rest of my life. Seriously. I had believed for so long, that we were for keeps, that we had what it takes to really make it and grow old together, without giving up, but I was pretty sure that she had given up, and I know that I had given up. I got tired, I didn't know what else to do, so I left it.

Each time in that year since I said those words of "it's over", I felt like I was healing a little bit. I made active choices about my work and my social time to try to create some healthy ways to get better, move forward, go in a positive direction. Yet, the wound remained open, and sore, and vulnerable. I did a lot, I was busy a lot, but never seemed to feel like it was really getting better as it should. The wound continued to be a slow healing one.

Today, I can see the progress of the healing. The wound finally feels like it is not so vulnerable that it stings, because it is still open. The skin is still new, and it still needs time and nursing, but it is much better than it has been. I finally feel like, I understand the purpose of this whole crazy, scary, painful last year of my life. I really believe that in order to come back to where I needed to be, I had to leave where I was. Which I did, and I ended back where I started from, but different. Same location, different attitude. For both of us. We have both healed enough to be able to walk forward in this together. I think that we have both learned how to nurse our own wounds, so that we can be fully whole with one another. That feels really good to me.

Lessons Learned

Any American Idol fans out there? I really enjoy the show, although I don't have as much time as I used to for the show every week. But, I do remember the year that Carrie Underwood was the winner of idol. I liked her, but she wasn't my first choice. No doubt, she had the talent, but I wasn't sure of how genuine she seemed to be. I know, kinda weird, not that I know her personally or anything, but I have always believed that a person has to be genuine in their message, whether they have a talent for it or not, for it to be meaningful to me.

Anyhow, my daughter got her CD last year, Some Hearts. She enjoyed listening to it, and I really liked the song, "Jesus Take the Wheel", which still moves me when I listen to it. This morning, while taking my daily stroll around my campus here in Northeastern Pennsylvania, I decided to listen to her CD during my walk. I listened to "Jesus" this morning, with tears sitting in my eyes waiting to fall, because I woke up this morning afraid, afraid of what the future will bring, when I have reconnected with my true love, and I am so afraid of what I don't know that is yet to come. I needed to give in, turn it over, let go, let Jesus take the wheel. Trust. Then, after skipping over a couple of the tunes, I listened to another tune on the CD, this one called "Lessons Learned". It told my story completely. Of how grateful I am "for every break in my heart", of how hard it has been to get through some of the days, and nights, on this journey. Of how hard it is to think of those lives that I have hurt in the process, so hard to believe that it was all meaningful in some way. "Some pages turned, some bridges burned, but there were lessons learned." And this is it completely for me. In all of the lessons that the last year of my life has brought me, or that I have brought to myself, I have had to let go of many things, ideas, habits, and behaviors. Ones that are ready to be burned. I won't have to go back that way again. There are also things that are in a previous chapter of my life, and although I am turning the page, they are always there as part of my history, as part of who I am and who I have become. And, the lessons learned are literally countless. Lessons that often take me several tries, but are now permanently etched into my being.

Rock on Carrie, and thank you. You put it all together for me.

Second chances

Is there such a thing as second chances in life? I firmly believe that there is. Second chances on career, on having a family, on being healthy and happy. We may not always notice, or takes ourselves up on the second chances that come our way, but I think they are almost always there. What about second chances on love, real love? I believe that it can be- again.

I spent ten years with the love of my life. We built an existence together, and also had a child to share in that. Over the years however, it seemed like the love was slowly drifting away, that we were growing apart. I never stopped wanting the pure love that I knew we were capable of, but it seemed to be gone, and there seemed to be little hope of reviving it.

So, after much anguish and pain, I left. I left the life, I left her, I said no more, because the absolute emptiness of it felt too great. I tried to create a life on my own, and actually, got strong in my own right again. Connected with friends, new job opportunities, focus on spirit and health, but still something was sorely missing. Even though I tried to get on with my life, and in many ways I did, I missed her terribly. I dreaded our strained, difficult conversations about shared parenthood and not much else. I missed my lover and my best friend. I hadn't ever stopped loving her, I just thought we stopped working at the stuff that couples are made of.

We have been shown, and are taking, a second chance at love with one another. We have opened the door together, and we are walking through together, with mutual respect, both willing to work hard at communicating, compromising, and allowing for individuality with both of us. We have a lot of work ahead of us, but I am so grateful to God and the universe for this path, because it brought us right back to one another, better than ever before.

Saying goodbye to a beloved friend

I have a full, sincere enjoyment of the written word, both by reading it and creating it. When I first came to college, as a student, to the same institution for which I now work, I was eager and excited to be here. I was ready for almost anything that would come my way. I was not ready, however, to feel transformed in the first semester that I was here, by an instructor named Barbara Hoffman.

Barbara was my instructor for Writing Skills. She came to our first class session, dressed in her clown outfit, full face makeup and all, and proceeded to pull items out a trunk, to symbolize the various aspects/details we needed within ourselves to be outstanding creative writers. She pulled out a bottle of champagne at the end, popped it open, and we all celebrated this new, exciting adventure together.

In the months that followed that semester, I wrote about things such as Hershey's kisses, and Elton John's closet. I studied every detail of an experience, every allowance that my imagination would offer to me, and put it to paper. Every paper that we wrote in class was returned to us, full of comments in every open white section of the paper, about what was great, and what could make our writing even better. I learned more about myself and my creative writing ability in those few short months than I ever thought possible.

Barbara died yesterday. She was preparing to retire from here in a couple of weeks, and to travel to faraway places. I found out while sitting with a friend, who encountered her twenty five years after I had, but our experiences with her were much the same. An impact that lasts a lifetime.

I guess she is travelling after all. Be free with that wonderous spirit of yours Barbara. Enjoy every moment, as you always have. I will NEVER, EVER forget you and your impact on my life.

Remember that love means FREEDOM.

How many of us have ever said to the partner/person in our lives "If you loved me, you would....."? I know I have said it, probably more than a couple of times. Like, by having some contractual agreement for you to do what I want you to do, that will prove your unending love for me? Besides the fact that it is controlling and constraining, making those types of demands on another person just doesn't work. I don't know that it ever brings results that are lasting, let alone healthy.

What is does speak to is our own desperate need for love, to be acknowledged, cared for, nurtured, embraced, appreciated, adored. I crave that as much as the next person. But one part of my self-discovery that seems a little less pleasant to deal with about myself, is that I believe the desire, and then at times, the demand for that from another person, is a subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, form of controlling the other person to give you what you want.

What is the worst thing that would happen if I let my partner just be who she is meant to be? If I allowed her to make her own choices, do her own thing, and loved her because of that? I don't think it would be a "worst thing" scenario, I am coming to realize and accept. I think, the BEST thing that could come of that freedom, given to myself and my partner, is that, by having that freedom, each of us never stop being our individual selves, while sharing this cool journey together. We both have uniqueness and flair and energy to bring to the couplehood, always some new aspect to discuss, always something new to discover and explore about the other. It keeps the mystery, the passion, the independence. It leaves less room to resent, to compete, to become too intertwined, to lose our personal identity.

"Love that restrains isn't love. It's insecurity. We may tell others how we feel about something that they do or don't do. We may make decisions as a reaction to other's choices. That is our right and our responsibility. But to restrain another in the name of love doesn't create love; it creates restraint." Melody Beattie

Love, by nature, is a concept that I visualize as open, free, flying, on the breeze. I want to continue to capture it as that, so I need to love something, or someone, by setting it free. Not to have it be mine, but to have it be what it is meant to be.

Our Passion for Justice, by Carter Heyward

"Love, like truth and beauty, is concrete. Love is not fundamentally a sweet feeling; not, at heart, a matter of sentiment, attachment, or being 'drawn toward'. Love is active, effective, a matter of making reciprocal and mutually beneficial relation with one's friends and enemies. Love creates righteousness, or justice, here on earth. To make love is to make justice. As advocates and activists for justice know, loving involves struggle, resistance, risk. People working today on behalf on women, blacks, lesbians and gay men, the aging, the poor in this country and elsewhere know that making justice is not a warm, fuzzy experience. I think also that sexual lovers and good friends know that the most compelling relationships demand hard work, patience, and a willingness to endure tensions and anxiety in creating mutually empowering bonds.

For this reason loving involves commitment. We are not automatic lovers of self, others, world, or God. Love does not just happen. We are not love machines, puppets on the strings of a deity called 'love'. Love is a choice- not simply, or necessarily, a rational choice, but rather a willingness to be present to others without pretense or guile. Love is a conversion to humanity- a willingness to participate with others in the healing of a broken world and broken lives. Love is the choice to experience life as a member of the human family, a partner in the dance of life, rather than as an alien in the world or as a deity above the world, aloof and apart from human flesh."

This above writing has been assisting me in redefining love for myself in my world. I never doubted that love is full commitment, but where I take pause is in the idea that love does not just happen. It requires tasks and duties that keep it alive and nurtured. It is represented by so many acts that we perform daily with and for the ones that we love the most. However, with romantic love, this gets lost so often, even on a lover like me. I get so stuck in the need to be verbally, symbolically reminded of the romantic, full heart love feeling, that I neglect to see the love that is expressed in all the tasks, duties, daily little rituals that occur. I understand that those are expressions of love, but those expressions are often not enough for me. I need to hear the words, see the look, feel the power from my lovers' arms. There has to be a balance in there somewhere. I just need to find it.

Fear shows its face, and it aint so bad......

FEAR. I even dislike the word. I have been afraid of fear, in a sense. Impossible? I think not. I have always, I really think I mean ALWAYS, been unafraid of fear. I have, most of my adult life, at least, believed that courage is not the absence of fear, but rather going on in spite of our fears. I have believed in my own level of courage, of strength, of perseverance, but never really stopped to consider what those fears were that I went on in spite of. I know that for much of my adult life, I have convinced myself that I had no fears about anything much at all. Besides airplanes, and snakes, and some other nagging fears of things outside of myself that I quiver about when confronted with either one. But, the kind of fear that I am talking about here, the one that I have had the hardest time naming and taming, is one that lurks within me, is a fear related to a belief system that I possess, a goal or dream I have for myself, the unknown at times.

I realized, probably only a few days ago, actually, that I am not just afraid, but terrified. But, realizing this was really little comfort to me, because even though I was willing to take that first step, in acknowledging my fear, I still needed to name it, label what it was that I was specifically afraid of. And, what I came up with was relieving as well as upsetting, because I realized how long I had denied a fear that is very real for me, very normal, and able to be faced and dealt with slowly and gently.

I am TERRIFIED of being forgotten, of not being memorable. Okay, without sounding too dramatic, I really mean it. I was trying to figure out why it is that when I like spending time with someone, whether as a friend, or me wanting something more, that I obsessively call, text, drop by, to acknowledge my presence to her. WHY do I do this? I do it every time I meet someone new that I really like. I cried on it and thought on it for hours, days, last week. And that is my answer to myself. If I call or text that person, frequently, it will be almost impossible for her to forget me. That is my total fear. I even do it with persons that have been in my life in the past. Even if our parting was not good, even if we have not been friends for years, I feel the need to recollect myself to them, if I have a way to contact them. I DO NOT WANT TO BE FORGOTTEN.

My other fear was even a bit harder to admit. Since I have been single in the last year, I have noticed that I view almost every lesbian I meet as a potential mate. I have done this most of my adult life. Maybe others do it too, I don't know. But, it seriously interferes with making new friends, and just viewing people in a objective light. It also keeps leading me to think that I need to be actively looking for a partner, because the moment that I stop looking for her, she will walk by me in the street and our opportunity will have been missed. I don't think this is a fear of being alone, it is more of a fear of missed opportunity, to not answering the call of fate when it is at the door. I DO NOT WANT TO MISS THAT PERSON THAT IS MEANT FOR ME.

So, what to do? One thing that I am not doing, is beating myself up emotionally for these fears. When I really started to explore this stuff, I actually felt some huge relief at starting to figure it all out. And, believe me, some days, it is certainly not as neat and tidy as it might appear on the page, at least not in my mind and heart. But, I feel like I have taken a step, discovered a clue, that can lead me in a direction that I literally haven't gone in yet. It is really the most free, in my spirit, than I have ever felt. Free to be, free to face life head on and not crack up. FREE......

Letting go and letting God, once and for all.

I have such a hard time with one particular lesson in my life, usually in regard to my most personal, intimate relationships. That is in the aspect of letting go. By trade, and personality, I am a helper. I want to assist others, ease their pain, dress their wounds, and heal their hearts. I have almost always felt a sense of satisfaction, gratification, and almost self-worth in my ability to help them in ways that they have been unable, or unwilling, to help themselves. So, logically, I have taken on a career in the helping profession, counseling and assisting those that seem most vulnerable and in need of help, usually meaning children and families.

Now, I know that this is in the very fiber of my being, the need to help others. I am not faulting myself or giving myself a hard time for considering that as an important focus for my life. I mean, as human beings, I think that we are called to serve and to assist one another, especially those most in need of our help. The trouble for me has become trying to be the helper in every segment of my life. I hold onto the helper in me, desperately and hopelessly, in the situations when I need to let the person help herself the most- my personal relationships.

I have always seen myself as a person who trusts fully when I am in a relationship with someone, almost blindly at times. However, I always seem to find myself with persons who have a difficult time trusting, who are struggling with trying to discover who they are (but in reality, aren't we all at times?), persons that in hindsight are intrinsically unhappy with their being. So, what better way to prove my love, concern, absolute regard for them, then to save the love of my life from herself? Show her the guiding light, the way to absolute happiness? There is always a willingness, at least at first, for my guidance to be accepted, for my nurturing to feel good to her, for her to "try on" what has worked for me, and try it for herself. But, we always seem to go down a darker, less selfless road. She ends up feeling resentful, at my insistence on doing and controlling aspects of the relationship, and I end up feeling unappreciated for giving up all of my self, for her to develop her self. What a mess. And no where near where I need to be in terms of letting go. I read an affirmation on Letting Go every day, my copy of the book is so worn out the binding is broken, almost every page has highlights or writings in the margins, I have read and read and read it. Today is the day I actively use what I have read.

What I am now, finally, thank God, understanding, and more importantly, ACCEPTING, is that letting go is an issue of trust. Who, me? I trust everyone, I trust anyone, I tell everybody my life story if they are willing to listen. But, what I am really doing is giving myself away, I think in some desperate attempt to make myself indisposable to that certain someone. Then, they have all of me and I have none. In all of these years, the one that I have been afraid to trust is God, that he would care for me always, and that caring for me doesn't mean telling me everything as it is to happen. Trust in God, for me, means that I COMPLETELY let go, I completely allow him to guide my life, based on my own healthy choices. I am totally scared of doing that. I want to be in control, I obsess about control, I need to be in control. But, I am not. No matter what I choose from day to day, He holds the cards. Today, I need to begin to remember that, and trust that it is all for the good.

The lessons of today......

I love to read affirmations, touchy-feely versions of what life has in store for me on any given day. And, actually, what happens on many days, is that the timeliness of what I read is directly related to what is going on in my life at the time. I guess that is the Universe speaking to me, sometimes in a whisper, sometimes in a screaming mimi kind of bellow. Which ever of those, it does reach me, and I always understand the language it is spoken in. The human language, which gets me right in the heart and soul every single time.

Today's life lesson is about old emotional baggage. I have a close friend in my life, who believes that I torture myself with sad, lonely emotions when I feel them, and if I stayed more in the moment, and stopped obsessing about wanting something I can't have right now, I would feel better. I beg to differ. I believe, that every little detail of emotion that I experience at any given time, is there for a purpose. And, for today, Melody Beattie agrees. I love her for that. I am almost always a happy, upbeat person. And, that is not just for appearances' sake. I really feel happy, to the core of my being, the majority of the time. But, when life throws me a curve, even when I am willingly in the ball game, I fall, I eat dirt, I choke. I feel small, helpless, and sadder than I think I can ever possibly feel. Melody tells me today in her book of affirmations, that sometimes our emotions take us out of the present moment of our lives. A feeling from our past comes creeping back up, that we have kept hidden away for a time. Instead of that being us getting off track, she believes that it is a doorway to healing. And I absolutely agree. Because, do you know what I realized in the midst of this raw, painful emotion? Is that, every time in my life when I am needing to fully let go of something, or someone, it hurts so badly that I think I could just about disappear. Then, I do let go, of the rope, the branch, the obsession. And, when I did that this time, I actually felt better. It was as if the cut started to heal almost immediately, I felt relief, and strength, and my glimmer of hope came back.

When those lessons are occurring, I despise them, because of the pain it brings. In the light of the new day, I am grateful for those lessons. Grateful to see the sun again, and grateful to be even stronger for my next challenge.