Letting go and letting God, once and for all.

I have such a hard time with one particular lesson in my life, usually in regard to my most personal, intimate relationships. That is in the aspect of letting go. By trade, and personality, I am a helper. I want to assist others, ease their pain, dress their wounds, and heal their hearts. I have almost always felt a sense of satisfaction, gratification, and almost self-worth in my ability to help them in ways that they have been unable, or unwilling, to help themselves. So, logically, I have taken on a career in the helping profession, counseling and assisting those that seem most vulnerable and in need of help, usually meaning children and families.

Now, I know that this is in the very fiber of my being, the need to help others. I am not faulting myself or giving myself a hard time for considering that as an important focus for my life. I mean, as human beings, I think that we are called to serve and to assist one another, especially those most in need of our help. The trouble for me has become trying to be the helper in every segment of my life. I hold onto the helper in me, desperately and hopelessly, in the situations when I need to let the person help herself the most- my personal relationships.

I have always seen myself as a person who trusts fully when I am in a relationship with someone, almost blindly at times. However, I always seem to find myself with persons who have a difficult time trusting, who are struggling with trying to discover who they are (but in reality, aren't we all at times?), persons that in hindsight are intrinsically unhappy with their being. So, what better way to prove my love, concern, absolute regard for them, then to save the love of my life from herself? Show her the guiding light, the way to absolute happiness? There is always a willingness, at least at first, for my guidance to be accepted, for my nurturing to feel good to her, for her to "try on" what has worked for me, and try it for herself. But, we always seem to go down a darker, less selfless road. She ends up feeling resentful, at my insistence on doing and controlling aspects of the relationship, and I end up feeling unappreciated for giving up all of my self, for her to develop her self. What a mess. And no where near where I need to be in terms of letting go. I read an affirmation on Letting Go every day, my copy of the book is so worn out the binding is broken, almost every page has highlights or writings in the margins, I have read and read and read it. Today is the day I actively use what I have read.

What I am now, finally, thank God, understanding, and more importantly, ACCEPTING, is that letting go is an issue of trust. Who, me? I trust everyone, I trust anyone, I tell everybody my life story if they are willing to listen. But, what I am really doing is giving myself away, I think in some desperate attempt to make myself indisposable to that certain someone. Then, they have all of me and I have none. In all of these years, the one that I have been afraid to trust is God, that he would care for me always, and that caring for me doesn't mean telling me everything as it is to happen. Trust in God, for me, means that I COMPLETELY let go, I completely allow him to guide my life, based on my own healthy choices. I am totally scared of doing that. I want to be in control, I obsess about control, I need to be in control. But, I am not. No matter what I choose from day to day, He holds the cards. Today, I need to begin to remember that, and trust that it is all for the good.