What a long, strange trip it's been!

I have had the weirdest, most significant two years of my life. I have been through so many changes, ups and downs, moments of despair and moments of pure joy. Losses, gains, love lost, love regained, health good and bad. I can easily say, in looking back on it, that it has literally been the most profound personal changes that I have ever been through. No small task, considering that I have most of life, felt like I was in a constant state of change and evolution.

It began two years ago, when I left my long term relationship after months of struggling. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. However, I really believed that we would self-destruct as individuals and a couple if I didn't leave it. As much as it was about us, as a couple, it was mostly about me. Selfish, huh? No, more like self-loving in my eyes. I had really stopped loving myself, even stopped liking myself much. Actually, as I say that, I don't know how much I really ever had liked or loved myself. I don't know that I had to BE ALONE to figure it all out, but at the time that seemed like the safest way to do so.

Then, I got sick. Really sick. Sicker than I have ever been in my entire life. Sick enough to need my mom close by, and she was with me, thankfully. So sick that I wasn't sure I would get through it. Overdramatic? Not really. Just felt that bad, that powerless to what was affecting me.

Then, I got REALLY depressed. So depressed, that I told a friend that I just wanted to crawl into a corner and just disappear. I cried more than I think that I ever did in my whole life. I cried some more. I spent time alone and time with others. I wished and prayed for my life to get better, but believed that it wouldn't. I tried different paths that seemed to go in the right direction, but were totally wrong. I drank way too much and too often. I isolated. I smoked. I gave up, in a way.

Then, I woke up. I have to say, that I believe that 12 steps saved my life. Not because I went to meetings; not because I got sober, although I did stopped drinking every day. I read, and read, and read, affirmations every day. Affirmations about love, loss, hope, redemption, forgiveness. It really was/is the main thing that gets me through. I faked it til I made it, acted as if I was okay until I was okay. Acted like I was lovable until I believed it, until I embraced myself with self-love in the most open way I could imagine. This is one example of an affirmation that got me through, by Melody Beattie:

"Many of us have been pushed out of the nest. Something unexpected happened, and our world changed. We may have fought valiantly to get back in the nest, to return to the safety of life as we knew it. But life had pushed us out. We had no choice but to flap our wings and learn to fly the best we could. With all of your fears and resistance, it has still been a grand and powerful time. You flailed around a bit, wondering who to trust. You tried to trust others, then found that didn't work. Finally you understood. THE VERY LESSON YOU WERE LEARNING WAS THAT OF TRUSTING YOURSELF. YOU WERE LEARNING TO LISTEN TO AND TRUST YOUR INNER VOICE. YOU WERE LEARNING TO OPEN YOUR HEART. DESPITE ALL YOUR FEARS, YOU HAVE DONE A GRAND JOB. LOOK HOW MUCH YOU'VE CHANGED! YOUR INSTINCTS AND INTUITION ARE FINELY TUNED. YOUR INNER VOICE IS CLEAR. AND DESPITE ALL YOUR FEARS ABOUT BEING ABANDONED, YOU NW SEE HOW MUCH YOU ARE LOVED."

I do see it now. I see it reflected from those I love, I see it in my dog's eyes, but most of all, I see it in myself. I see how I have come to love this quirky person I call me.