The Bravery, Chapter 2.

Wow. All I can say is- wow. I have stated before to people, when I conduct trainings on lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender identity, that every time that I come out as a lesbian, right before I say the words, I feel like I am jumping off of a cliff. My stomach churns, my hands shake, my voice trembles, and I am afraid. Then, I jump. And then, I let go of my fear on the way down, and always land ever so softly, like a big, feather pillow catching me.

The WOW is because last night, during a meeting of our worship committee at our Methodist church, where we have been members for almost four years, I came out. I didn't come out and say, "I am a lesbian", but I spoke on behalf of the congregation beginning a adult Sunday school class, to discuss the damage some churches have done to those with a homosexual orientation. I also showed them a copy of a movie I recently purchased, called "For the Bible Tells Me So", which I want to show as part of the group. I said the words, and before I knew it, I was free falling through the air. Actually, the nerves begin in anticipation of the jump; but once I jump, once say the words, an overwhelming sense of calm and peace comes over me.

If this is not your life experience, that you have a gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender orientation, then it may be hard to understand the fear. It is fear of reaction, fear of rejection, fear of fear of others. Many persons, when they come out, and some even before they come out, are rejected by their families, friends, schools, and churches. And, I think that churches have the potential to do the most damage.

Why? Because, the church, or those in it, claim to know what God thinks about this issue, what the Bible factually says about this issue. Now, let me be clear. My partner and I joined this church as members, along with our daughter, four years ago. We had her baptized in this church one year later. We feel safe, secure, and loved there, by our pastor and our church family. However, I know that the Methodist church at large struggles a great deal with how welcoming it is willing to be to homosexual persons. So, there is work to be done. Even on our local level, conversations need to be had.

And I am ready for those conversations.

The response was overwhelming positive. People thanked me for speaking up with the idea, and agreed it is a great idea. My pastor agreed that we need to start talking about this important issue, that we all need the spiritual growth. And, I believe it is my calling. Not to be self-serving, not to have my own agenda. But, I firmly believe that God, Jesus, they are calling me to my congregation to bring this to light, educate and inform, and learn a lot myself in the process.

One more step in my journey of self-actualization. I am on the road to full self-love, the road to further spiritual awakening and connection.

I am ready.

The presence of arrogance.

I at times believe myself to be arrogant in my manner.

Bear with me here, just for a bit.

It is a strange thought pattern that I seem to go through. I believe myself to be very caring, loving, compassionate, knowledgable about many things.

Not all things.

However, there are times, times when I am encountering a person who I am giving new information to, when my knowledge seems to border on arrogance. At least, that is what I feel like. Even when I am not intending to be arrogant, I think I appear to be that way.

Confidence at times appears like arrogance to me. Why???

Maybe, it is a reflection of my own lack of confidence on some level; because I am not fully confident in the information which I share, I feel like I am giving an air of arrogance as if I "know it all".

Maybe it is because self-confidence is so misrepresented at times by persons in our culture; to be self-confident is to be self-absorbed, self-righteous, self-serving.

I don't believe myself to be any of those things. At least, I think I don't believe it.

What I have come to understand about persons that I have surrounded myself with in the past, is that, it can be very intimidating for someone to be around a person who exudes an air of confidence. The air of feeling very sure of herself, carrying herself in an upright, determined way, setting her sights on horizons that she is interested in.

What could be wrong with that?

As with so many things, things that bug us about other people are those things, or aspects, that we most loathe in ourselves. I find it to be so true of human nature. I am a confident person, so that means that those that have confidence issues, struggle with who I am. So, either they decide they no longer can be around me (although won't tell me that), or they treat me like total crap.

What a drag.......

And, if I state openly and assertively that I am confident, that I am working hard to achieve my goals, that I willingly go after things that I want, I appear to be bragging to others.

Tell me, isn't it a good thing if a person feels their own self-worth? Besides serving others, isn't that what this world is all about? Realizing the gem that we know as our true self??

It is one of those mysteries. One of those human conditions that still needs to be explored.

I am confident. I am on my true path. I feel great about those aspects of my self.

I think!!

COMFORT.......

I love to be comfortable, cozy, relaxed. For me, comfort looks like a nice, warm blankie on a cold rainy day. Wrapped up, cup of coffee, watching an old movie, snuggling with my favorite girls. The blankie, and it IS a blankie, not a blanket, is the softest of fleece, white with pink and red hearts all over it, a present from my girls for Valentine's Day. I love the comfort that it brings to me.

We all need comfort, even if we don't admit we need it. We all desire comfort, and I am talking a deeper form of comfort that having a house with all of the amenities, a car that has heated seats, or a job that pays a load of money. I am talking about comfort, comfort for the body, heart and soul. A deeper sort of comfort that sinks in deep. Can you picture it?

Take a moment, and think about a time when you have felt most vulnerable, most raw with pain and emotion? Maybe you were physically ill, maybe your heart was broken, maybe discouraged by the challenges of life. What did you envision as the thing, person, object, that would most make you feel better?

Before I resorted to a blankie and a cuddle, my comfort was always my mom. I had a comfort with my mother, when I was growing up, like nothing else in my life. I could tell her so much, in many words or very few. And she listened. And she hugged, when she could. And she was there for me. And she guided me, and she scolded me, too. But, to me, my mom was total comfort. When I was alone last year, and when I felt alone or sick or scared, I only wanted one person the most: my mom. Now, that is the comfort I am talking about here.

When I was growing up, we lived twenty miles from the town where I worked as a teen, and the town where my high school was located. So, when I needed to get somewhere, or get home from somewhere, my mom would drive me. And, we would talk, really talk, during those long car rides. About my day. About my friends. About my dreams, my fears. Comfort.

When I wasn't ready to face the school day quite yet, I would crawl into my mom's bed, after my dad had left for work, and just lay next to her. Comfort.

When I was sick last year, all alone in my apartment, my mom and dad were with me to help to take care of me. They brought me cool cloths for my head, made me soup, gave me my medicine. Comfort.

I still need my mom every now and again. And, when she is not with me, I have learned other ways of having comfort that feels as deep and as warm and as lovely. My blankie. My girls, honey one, and honey two (or, honey dew as she likes to say). An old movie.

As a mom, it is interesting how the cycle seems to repeat. Every day, I drive my daughter to school, because she doesn't want to take the bus. So, this morning, it hit me like a bolt of lightning: I have been here before, except, back then, I was the one in the back seat with the book bag. She talks to me, she shares secrets, she opens up. It is indescribable.

And, she crawls into bed with me when she isn't ready to face the day. She cuddles under her blankie next to me when she feels sad, lonely, or afraid. She comes up and stares into my eyes deeply.

Comfort.

What's yours?

Get some today, and every day. Life is too short to deprive yourself for one more minute.

New life is here!!!!!

My nephew, the newest addition to our family, my sister's first child, was born on Sunday morning at 3:45 AM. He is healthy, peaceful and perfect........

I am sitting on the edge of the chair at my desk all day today, because tomorrow morning, I will be getting in my car and driving to Virginia to see him, to hold him, to smell him, to absolutely fall in love with him.

I sense the change in my sister, my sister who for the last 81/2 months has called me almost daily, with every shift and change in her body, moods going up and down, crises and challenges that occurred, and plans that had to be made.

But, I know, it is now a major change. She has begun her new life, as mom. Mom to a little being that needs her more than anyone right now. I am anxious to view her in this new role, and also nervous, because I know that her new role changes my role in her life as well. I think that sounds selfish, in a way, although I don't mean to be selfish. I just know that I have a sense about what has changed for her, some changes she may not even realize yet, and the changes that are in store for us.

All of that aside, good or bad, tomorrow at this time I will be hours from viewing his beautiful face in person.

I love the smell of new babies.......

What are your intentions?

My belief about human behavior, is that almost everything that we say, do, think, and feel, we are in control. Behavior is holistic to me; so if we are thinking about something specific, which we do have control over our thoughts unless we have a severe mental health issue, those thoughts directly influence our emotions; hence, we have control over our emotions. I also believe that all behavior, all of the things that we do, say, think, and feel, are purposeful. There is a purpose and reason for everything that we do, even when what we do or think doesn't seem to make sense. It serves some purpose for a lesson, either now or further down our life's journey road.

Now, this does not mean that we always make the best choices; I am certain that many of us can identify with this; sometimes the choices that we make are harmful, destructive, or painful, yet the lessons come regardless, and at the time, it seems like the best decision that we can make. When I left my ten year relationship, and not only left it, moved out of our home, I was devastated, I was heartbroken, I was tired and drained, and I really believed that I was making the right choice. I still believe that was the right choice, it didn't feel good at the time, but it did feel right. However, when I was alone, in an apartment, without the familiar, without my child at times, without a partner, sometimes even without a friend, I drank. Drank way too much. This, I know, and I knew at the time, was a destructive decision, but it was the best I could do at that time, and as far as purposeful, it got me through the pain. I firmly believe it kept me from checking out........

So, I am going on and on here about what I believe the motivation of human behavior is; purposeful, in full control, lessons to be learned. Where does intention come in?

Our intentions are those things that we rely on as far as what we REALLY want. I am not talking here about the new car or the better house or the classy job; I am talking what in our hearts, we really want from something or someone, and also, what we are willing to do to get it. Intentions, on our part and on the part of others, are not always honorable. They are manipulative, needy, self-serving. They may be very subtle and go "under the radar", so to speak; we may not see the manipulation. I understand that we all meet a need for one another; my friends are in my life, not only because I enjoy their companionship, but also because we meet some need for one another, which is good and honorable. If we are open and upfront with ourselves, and with others, about what our intentions are.

I have met many people with less than honorable intentions toward me. They wanted something from me, something that was unsaid, but brought it to my life under the guise of friendship, of honesty and being forthright. I cannot tell you how many persons that I called friends I have encountered like that in the last couple of years; it is disturbing. Persons whom i enjoyed their company, helped me through painful times, laughed with me, and who I connected with. However, when I returned to my relationship, they disappeared. They stopped calling, they dropped out of sight. Why? I will never know; all I can suspect is that they had intentions that were not met for them. So, when I returned to a life that I feel very connected to, that is right for me, that fills my soul with joy and peace, it no longer met what they needed from me.

Did I know honestly what that was that they needed from me? Nope. It was never honestly spoken about. Even worse, their intentions were misrepresented in some ways: no expectation, no judgment, no agenda hidden up their sleeves. However, once I made some choices to carry on my life in a direction that was different from when they entered, or reentered my life, they disappeared...........

I have wondered on and off about why; did they have feelings for me? Did my return to my own relationship give them doubts about their own relationships? Am I too out about my gayness that they just cannot handle it for themselves? Was I meeting some need that helped to further their career? Did I dispel their own loneliness??? I have stopped wondering recently, because frankly, if a person does not tell me in what way I am or am not meeting their needs, in an honest and upfront way, I am powerless. I cannot solve a problem that I don't know exists.....

I also need to be clear in what my intentions are with others in my life. What purpose are they meeting for me? Is it emotionally healthy? Am I treating that person with respect? This is my own system of self-evaluation that I do in regard to my relationships, because I believe that everyone that I care about has a right to know where they stand in my life, as I have a right to know about where I stand in theirs. Intentions can be veiled, and when that happens, can be hurtful and manipulative.

And I am sooooooo not patient anymore for anything not up front and honest. I am way too old for that bullshit!!!

Day of Silence

Today is known as the day of silence. The day of silence is a national recognition, most prevalent on college campuses, of the silence that many gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender persons have to maintain in portions of their lives; to keep themselves physically, emotionally, or psychologically safe. It acknowledges that there are millions of LGBT persons in our nation, in our world, that we don't even know exist, because of fears that they possess.

What are those fears, and why do we have them? The fears are many, and the reasons are several. Fear of repercussions and rejection from family for their sexual orientation; fear of the church rejecting him or her; fear of job loss or housing discrimation or verbal or physical confrontation. Even fear of being killed. Sound overdramatic? Unfortunately, it's not.

Ever heard of Matthew Shephard? He is the young man, who already almost ten years ago, was at a local bar in Wyoming, and encountered two men, both heterosexual and angry, and extremely homophobic. The men told him that they were gay, and invited Matthew to leave the bar with them. They proceeded to beat Matthew severely, about the head, face and body, and then tied him to a split rail fence near his community. He was left there to die; he was discovered by a biker the next morning, having been hanging there all night. He was unconscious and barely alive. His face was covered with blood, except for the places that were streaked from his tears........

Matthew died a week later in the hospital. His mother, Judy, now travels the US and speaks to groups and legislators all over the country about the damage that homophobia and hatred can do. It can kill. I feel certain that if Matthew were alive today, he would not be living in silence, but out loud trying to change the ideas and beliefs held by some about gay persons.

But he isn't alive, is he? I find his death, as well as so many other deaths due to homophobic attitudes and hatred, senseless. I find all of those deaths that occur because an LGBT youth is rejected by everyone that they love in their lives when they come out, and kill themselves, senseless, angering, sad and it hurts my heart.

This is, indeed a day of silence. Silence in rememberance. Silence to acknowledge the need for so many of us, to hide away in shame, fear, self-loathing. On the other hand, I find it an appropriate time to speak out, use my voice, claim my sexual identity rightfully, proudly, and loudly. I feel certain, by having listened to the whispering of my heart, that I am totally perfect the way that I am. That I have the complete obligation to myself, and to my community, to speak out about the need to educate, inform, and reduce ignorance and hatred. I don't want to have to observe the Day of Silence forever.

The Whisper of your heart.

Have any of us ever had the experience of someone whispering in our ear, cupping his or her hand so that the message is only heard by you? Maybe giggling or even stumbling over what they want to say? Do you recall, if this has been your experience, how you need to really tune in as the listener, to be able to be fully attentive to what is being said? And, even sometimes, the whisperer has to repeat what he or she is saying, so that you make sure that you heard it correctly?

I know I have had this experience, most recently, the whisper of a child, usually my child, in my ear. The warm breath, the spit that hits the earlobe as she tries so hard to be quiet about it, the need for her to repeat it.

So it is with our heart, our true heart. Our heart whispers to us also. If we are busy living in our heads, filled with the lists of musts, and shoulds, and wishes, and mandates, then we never hear it, well, almost never. Living in our heads I guess, on most days, is a necessity of life at times. We need to take care of business, we need to work, we need to walk the dog, we need to pay the bills and rake the yard. But our heart patiently waits, and it is always talking to us.

At times, when our heart speaks to us, it sounds like a barely audible whisper. Again, that is if we are tuned in and listening. Because our heart doesn't always show itself mightily in order to be heard; we have to be the active listener for it to be heard. That whisper may be so quiet, that we need to strain to hear it. We need to stop, stop, stop what it is we are filling our moments with automatically, and really, REALLY listen........ what did you hear it say?

Other times, the heart, when we are tuned in to it mind you, is pounding at us loudly, consistently, waiting for us to become aware and respond. I don't know about you, but I really don't like being shouted at, to me this means I really haven't been listening. But, our heart voice has to do something to get our attention.

When I am really tuned in, tuned in to my heart voice, that whisper of a whisper, I feel so much more calm, so much more at ease, so much in better balance, a total part of my world around me. I feel like I can accomplish anything, that my dreams really can come true, that there can be a peaceful world, and that everything, no matter what the circumstances, is going to turn out just fine.

What is your heart voice saying to you? Remember, it is saying SOMETHING. What do you need to change in your life in order to attend to it, to really listen to what it has to say? Is it a barely audible whisper, or is it screaming to get your attention?

For every moment, every situation, every opportunity that you let slide by, that you do not listen to the whisper of your heart, you are missing a priceless opportunity to open the doors to everything you have ever wanted and dreamed. You are missing the opportunity to tune into your soul, and to feel complete.

Don't miss a day of completeness. Listen today. JUST DO IT.......

And, let me know what it says if you like!

The definition of culture.

I have been doing training and education in the area of culture, cultural diversity and cultural awareness for many years now. With each training that I conduct, with each group that I meet with, with each point of view that I hear, I learn something new. I learn that there are actual cultural differences, and at the same time, I learn that there are not. Confusing? You bet.

What I have learned the most over the years is that I have a lot to learn. Like many of us, I always thought of culture, at earlier points in my life, as basically what your religion is, what race you are, and whether you are male or female. Boy, was I shortsighted!!!! How was I know that culture is, oh, so much more than that......

I have come to embrace a definition of culture that I came across as a trainer, and I believe best fits my point of view. Culture: represents the vast structure of behaviors, ideas, attitudes, values, habits, beliefs, customs, languages, rituals, ceremonies and practices "peculiar" to a particular group of people. It provides them with a general design for living and patterns for interpreting reality. It determines how we see the world- and the way we see the world is reflected in our behavior. Wade Nobles

Wow. That is SOOOOOO beyond religion and race and gender. Takes some time to absorb and make sense of. But, it DOES make sense. Let's look at it a piece at a time.

First, the structure of behaviors, ideas, etc; particular to a group of people. This makes sense to me. For my purposes, when I was being raised as Catholic growing up, being Catholic meant going to church, repenting my sins, receiving communion, and fearing God's wrath. Growing up in the country, meant that we had to drive everywhere to get somewhere; meant that we saw wild animals in our yard at times; meant that we couldn't hear traffic on the road. Growing up with two parents, meant I came to view and expect different aspects of parenthood from my father as my mother; meant that I had two parents around when I needed them. Growing up with a Native American heritage, although we did not traditionally observe any rituals, meant that I was tuned into the earth, the sky, the importance of caring for living things. Being college educated helped me to view the world a certain way, to make friends, to learn about the world, to leave home and survive it. All part of my personal experience, therefore, all meant to be aspects of my culture and cultural experience.

Now, the second part of the definition. Provides us with a general design for living, patterns for interpreting reality. How true is this???? All that I say, do, think, believe, even learn, occurs through my "cultural lens" if you will. How I see the world, is directly influenced by how I have been brought up into the world right up until today; every experience, every moment that I have already lived, brings me to now. So yes, that includes the biggies like religion and race and gender, but it also includes where I was raised, my family dynamic, what our food traditions were, whether we spent time with extended family, whether I went to private or public school. All of these cultural experiences influence how I view the world, therefore, how I also interact with the world.

Now, I didn't grow up with one particular ethnic background that got perpetuated through the kind of foods we would eat, or the traditions that we would observe, or even our manner of dress. Our ethnicity in our lineage is pretty diverse, everything from Scottish to Irish to German to English to Native American; I embrace and appreciate all of those diverse cultures that make up my culture.

The more I learn about individual cultures, the more that learn that even though there are some similarities, among those similarities there are stark differences as well. What do I mean by this? If someone were to tell me that all Catholics observe not eating meat on Fridays, I could assume that all Catholics, all good Catholics anyway, should do that. Learning about commonalities among persons of the same culture can create the habit of generalizing about groups of people. When I conduct training on lesbian and gay identity issues for adolescents, many times those in my groups will ask me to tell them how different ethnic and religious groups view gay identity. I can't do that, I can't just put a label on someone that perpetuates a generalization.

This is a tough balance however. Because I am not suggesting that we should not all have our cultural observations and traditions; at the same time, we need to respect the individuality and differences within that culture. In addition, we need to recognize the similarities between different cultures and cultural experiences.

Sanityfound is so right, when she writes about blogging as a way to break down barriers, and to be able to traverse the cultural landscape of this world. What an opportunity that we have before us here, in the blogosphere.......to reach across divides and create unity.

Maybe peace on earth is possible after all!

New life yet to come.

I have a sister, who is only a few years younger than me, who is turning 40 this year, who I still call my baby sister. When we were young, she was just a tot, she was sick so many times, in the hospital frequently with pneumonia. My parents would spend days by her bed, until she was ready to come home again. There were times when I would go visit her, because she would eat and cooperate for no one else but me. I would carry her around on my hip, keep her close. Then when I got a bit older, I would beg my mother to keep her away from me and my friends; she would still lurk around corners, waiting for me. I would go into her room to check on her, I would love to watch her growing and excited about things.

As a young adult, she struggled with so much emotionally. She struggled with her view of herself, and came very close to death by not caring for herself properly, because she didn't CARE for herself. She begged me not to tell our parents, but I was scared that she would die, so I did tell.

She was mad at me for a very long time.

Then, she got married. I wanted to like her husband, but it was hard because I wasn't sure that he would be good to her. Well, I did end up liking him, and he ended up not being nice to her. I felt helpless, and intrusive, and didn't know how to help her.

Then, she left him, found her own voice, her own space, a career that worked for her, and we spent time together. Distance kept us from being together often, but when we were, we made it priceless time. Just talking, sharing, laughing, hugging, crying, remembering.......

Last year, she married the man who she is destined to be with. He is a blessing, a genuine person who is just himself with no apology, and lets her be herself, with no apology.

A match made in heaven.......

She desperately wanted a child, however. She always believed it would not happen for her. There were almosts, there were disappointments and tears, and there were worries and anxious moments.

But, it came true. My newest nephew is scheduled to arrive, fully developed, any moment now. When I think on it long enough, it feels almost unbelievable to me, that the dream she wanted most for herself, but feared most for herself because she thought she would be no good at it, is coming true for her, for them. I can't think about it for too terribly long, because while I am waiting, I have to work, I have to drive, I have to sleep.

But, I can't wait to see him. Better, I can't wait to see her see him........

I love my sister so much.

The Bravery.

There is a band called this that I have not partaken yet, although I am intrigued by the name. And I use that as my title today, because I called up the bravery in myself today. It must have come from a true, real source within, because I knew that it felt like it was beyond me as it was happening.

I scheduled an appointment with my representative of my district today, to discuss my concerns about SB 1250 here in Pennsylvania; the Marriage Protection Amendment. It wants to amend our state's constitution, to declare marriage as only between one man and one woman, and to not allow any room for civil unions, or any other kind of joint relationship acknowledgement for LGBT couples.

I don't know if I was born a radical, or destined to be an activist. But, I am, that is for sure. I am an activist simply because I actively participate in the process; I don't just sit by and let it wash over me. I don't get complacent about issues that are important; I mean, the reality of life is that different issues become important at different times of my life. But, the bottom line is, I don't want to sit idly by and let the world make the rules, fair or unfair. And, then gripe about them without using my voice to speak up.

And, today, I spoke up. Spoke up about why amending our constitution is wrong; spoke about why my committed, long term relationship should be validated; why gay marriage will in no way negatively impact on straight marriage; why my family deserves protection. I found my voice yet again, and the bravery it took to not get laryngitis.

I am woman, hear me ROAR......

Walking, waking, deliberate meditation.

Do you meditate?

If so, how?

I do, at least in my definition, I do.

There are various definitions of meditation, I think. Depending on what works for you as an individual, it could be sitting still, postured, for an hour or more at a time. It could be in writing, painting, drawing, singing. It could be time in nature; time with children; time alone. It could be all of the above.

My definition, or action, of meditation has definitely changed, or even, evolved, over the past twenty or more years of my life. I remember my life BEFORE meditation, running here and there, never stopping to take a breath or a moment even, to think about my presence here. My older sister, Cindy, introduced me to it, although I am not sure if she did so intentionally. I was in my twenties, and she was paying me a visit. She brought with her a dozen or so books, with various affirmations in them. She told me, and showed me, that she spent an hour, or more, every morning, reading, writing, and reflecting. She told me that it influenced her mood, in a positive, calming way. I liked the idea. So, I tried it on for size.

Back then, meditation looked almost identical to the way in which she showed me; I would get up a bit earlier in the morning, read a few affirmations, be still with myself, and write and reflect on life and the day, on the writings, on the stillness of the morning. Then, after a time, I might only read an affirmation in the morning, in between swilling down my coffee or rushing out of the shower. Then, I did nothing, because I DIDN'T HAVE THE TIME.......

The evolution for me of meditation is now not just a reading of affirmations, a writing in a journal. It is being ever present ALL DAY LONG. That is a challenge, for me anyway. To pull myself out of the task at work, the financial worries, the broken wrist of my daughter, the dance recital, the holiday, and to just be present in the moment of it, without visually reading in my mind the list of all of the things that I must not forget. Be here, be now, just for now......

I believe that meditation has evolved in this way for me, because of my perspective on the value of my life, and the fact that, every moment, every event, every day with its tasks, holds lessons, gifts, and obstacles for me that I don't want to lose out on. So, my ever presence means that I am meditating, on the gift of life, almost all of the time. It is not perfect, but it is the closest I have at this point. It keeps me balanced, it keeps life in perspective, and I really believe it keeps me healthy and sane......