What are your intentions?

My belief about human behavior, is that almost everything that we say, do, think, and feel, we are in control. Behavior is holistic to me; so if we are thinking about something specific, which we do have control over our thoughts unless we have a severe mental health issue, those thoughts directly influence our emotions; hence, we have control over our emotions. I also believe that all behavior, all of the things that we do, say, think, and feel, are purposeful. There is a purpose and reason for everything that we do, even when what we do or think doesn't seem to make sense. It serves some purpose for a lesson, either now or further down our life's journey road.

Now, this does not mean that we always make the best choices; I am certain that many of us can identify with this; sometimes the choices that we make are harmful, destructive, or painful, yet the lessons come regardless, and at the time, it seems like the best decision that we can make. When I left my ten year relationship, and not only left it, moved out of our home, I was devastated, I was heartbroken, I was tired and drained, and I really believed that I was making the right choice. I still believe that was the right choice, it didn't feel good at the time, but it did feel right. However, when I was alone, in an apartment, without the familiar, without my child at times, without a partner, sometimes even without a friend, I drank. Drank way too much. This, I know, and I knew at the time, was a destructive decision, but it was the best I could do at that time, and as far as purposeful, it got me through the pain. I firmly believe it kept me from checking out........

So, I am going on and on here about what I believe the motivation of human behavior is; purposeful, in full control, lessons to be learned. Where does intention come in?

Our intentions are those things that we rely on as far as what we REALLY want. I am not talking here about the new car or the better house or the classy job; I am talking what in our hearts, we really want from something or someone, and also, what we are willing to do to get it. Intentions, on our part and on the part of others, are not always honorable. They are manipulative, needy, self-serving. They may be very subtle and go "under the radar", so to speak; we may not see the manipulation. I understand that we all meet a need for one another; my friends are in my life, not only because I enjoy their companionship, but also because we meet some need for one another, which is good and honorable. If we are open and upfront with ourselves, and with others, about what our intentions are.

I have met many people with less than honorable intentions toward me. They wanted something from me, something that was unsaid, but brought it to my life under the guise of friendship, of honesty and being forthright. I cannot tell you how many persons that I called friends I have encountered like that in the last couple of years; it is disturbing. Persons whom i enjoyed their company, helped me through painful times, laughed with me, and who I connected with. However, when I returned to my relationship, they disappeared. They stopped calling, they dropped out of sight. Why? I will never know; all I can suspect is that they had intentions that were not met for them. So, when I returned to a life that I feel very connected to, that is right for me, that fills my soul with joy and peace, it no longer met what they needed from me.

Did I know honestly what that was that they needed from me? Nope. It was never honestly spoken about. Even worse, their intentions were misrepresented in some ways: no expectation, no judgment, no agenda hidden up their sleeves. However, once I made some choices to carry on my life in a direction that was different from when they entered, or reentered my life, they disappeared...........

I have wondered on and off about why; did they have feelings for me? Did my return to my own relationship give them doubts about their own relationships? Am I too out about my gayness that they just cannot handle it for themselves? Was I meeting some need that helped to further their career? Did I dispel their own loneliness??? I have stopped wondering recently, because frankly, if a person does not tell me in what way I am or am not meeting their needs, in an honest and upfront way, I am powerless. I cannot solve a problem that I don't know exists.....

I also need to be clear in what my intentions are with others in my life. What purpose are they meeting for me? Is it emotionally healthy? Am I treating that person with respect? This is my own system of self-evaluation that I do in regard to my relationships, because I believe that everyone that I care about has a right to know where they stand in my life, as I have a right to know about where I stand in theirs. Intentions can be veiled, and when that happens, can be hurtful and manipulative.

And I am sooooooo not patient anymore for anything not up front and honest. I am way too old for that bullshit!!!