Last night, I saw an old friend driving behind me. I am totally sure it was her; I recognized her vehicle and her as well. She knows my car, she has seen it before, it is loaded with stickers as well which fully indicate it is me; yet, she did nothing to acknowledge me, or my daughter, who was also in my car. No wave, no nod, no nothing, and she was right behind me.
For an hour or more after this, I was bugged, bugged by her ignorance, bugged by the fact that she has done that to me in the past, but I always excused it. Bugged because she never calls me when I call her; she never checks in just to say hello; she doesn't appear to be happy for me and my life and love. Bugged because I feel like I didn't make a good choice in her as a friend.
Part of my frustration, my bugginess, about situations such as these, which I have written about here before, is that this particular friend said that she was genuinely happy for me about my reconciliation; that I was moving back to my home; that I was getting my life back, in a way. But, she has never shown me that. She has cancelled plans, or blew off making plans, when it was an opportunity for her to meet my partner, to come to our home, to hang out. So, what I have come to believe and to understand, is that happiness for me reminds her of her own unhappiness, which I always knew to be true, that deep down, she is an unhappy person.
Why the title of this thread? Because my belief is that those that do view my life as happy, and theirs as unhappy, start to resent my life in a way, in part because they view me getting what I want as my own, dumb luck. Like the goodness falls into my lap, like I don't have to do anything to obtain it.
Happiness, bliss, satisfaction in one's life, doesn't drop into my lap. I have had to work, and to work hard, on my world, and on my self, in order to have the things that I want, that I desire, that fulfill me. DREAMS DON'T COME FOR FREE. Dreams cost our time, our energy, our heart........the cost is always worth it in my mind, even if I fall short, I always learn, I always gain in some way.
DREAMS DON'T COME FOR FREE..........
I believe that dreams are born of a desire, and also, a self-will that is courageous enough to walk on in spite of being afraid. I have paid every cost that there is, in order to achieve, and to gain, and to have, what I have. I will continue to do so, because I will continue to dream.
BUT, DREAMS DON'T COME FOR FREE.......
YET, THEY ARE AVAILABLE AT A PRICE I DON'T EVER MIND PAYING, AND THE PRICE THAT I WOULD PAY FOR NOT PURSUING THEM IS WAY TOO HIGH........
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8 comments:
Aye people make me so sad sometimes in the way they love conditionally, friendships for seasons and reasons. Dreams are never for free but they most definitely are worth it, never stop dreaming or reaching for them... if the people are worth it they will not only support you and help you they will stick by you through it all! Life is just too short for people who have no time for you! *hugs* A
Much agreed; I am finally coming to terms with some of those people, letting go and letting life come to me through other people in other ways. Lessons were learned, I always have that! V.
Hard lesson all the same, am proud of you :)
Deepika: Thank you so much for visiting!!!! I am so encouraged in the blogsphere at meeting other like-minded individuals, on the days when I really struggle about my view of the world. This lesson learned, about friends, friendship, and all of the stuff in between, took a while to come to me, but it is learned and I am better for it.....
Come back when you can!!!! Vanessa
dreams are the fundamental stones of life..
Vanessa meet my little sister Deeps, be warned she is crazier than me!
Hey Vanessa, thanks for this post. Two point come to my mind:
- why do you consider this person as a friend? How does she qualify for that? The way I see things friend are people that we feel safe with, supported, respected, accepted, loved..., therefore most of our deep needs get met, in both directions. Now in this case...
- another feeling that comes to the surface within me while reading your post is pure sadness - sadness about how deeply we have been screwed by the socialization we have gone through, all the social brain washings and that - and now we feel sort of guilty because we are happy. I found feelings like that within me just yesterday and the day before. By looking at not so happy people and by being aware that I have been, for some years now, peaceful and happy on a rather deep and stabilised level, I just realized that not only did I feel a bit guilty about that fact, but that I also immediately started to justify within myself that happiness, to pacify down that guilt and to prove myself it was OK for me to be happy.
Oh boy oh boy...
Hey Robert: thanks for your thoughts. I can concur with both of your points; I no longer consider this person as a friend in my present life, and not even sure that she was in the past either. Lessons learned, that is for sure!
I do, at times, feel very self-conscious about the fact that I have found my source, my core, and that I am truly at peace and happy; so many of those that I love and care about are not. That being said, it really is within each of our own power to create a happier life for ourselves. It didn't drop into my lap, I had to want it enough, then work hard enough for it, to bring it to fruition....
I like the like-mindedness that I am finding by blogging. It is both humbling and encouraging to find others speaking the same language!!! Peace, V.
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