By Melody Beattie, from her book of affirmations, Journey to the Heart.
"We find fortune when we open our hearts and learn the secret of life."
Amazing.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
The beauty of divine love
I am almost constantly pondering lately on the doings of my life. In a relatively short period of time, about two years, my life has turned around almost completely. Sure, by the events and circumstances that have happened, by the relationships that I encountered, by the time that passed and the jobs that changed, that helps to describe the turnaround that I experienced. And, when I use the term turnaround, I mean, my head still feels like it is spinning at times because my life made so many twists and turns lately; the changes went from having been very gradual to everything kind of falling into place.
So, yes, those things all happened. But, there were even more deeply personal changes that occurred, that occurred within me. I felt changed, I felt moved...... I began to open up more, even though I always considered myself to be an open person, it was as if one day, my soul just completely revealed itself. As a coccoon opening up, to allow for the spreading of the wings of the beautiful butterfly (BTW, Vanessa means butterfly in French; how appropriate). I literally could feel my wings unfurling, spreading, showing their newfound colors.
I also felt like I found my voice, my REAL voice, which I had kept silent for most of my life. I have always had a big mouth, always been able to speak up for others, always able to express my opinion, but rarely did I feel totally at ease with speaking, openly, about who I am what I am about. My voice emerged. Some days in a whisper, some days in a roar.
My mind and my awareness has opened up in such a way that hardly anything escapes me. Colors are brighter, sounds are louder, music is sweeter, smells are stronger, and I feel alive and so capable. I still miss details, in such a hurry to take something in, but I am learning, boy am I learning. My mind feels more eager than ever to learn, to grow, to challenge, to read and gain knowledge.
I felt so alive I thought, all of those years of my life. But, I feel like much of me was in a deep, tranquil sleep. Sometimes it was fitful, sometimes restful, but never fully awake, alert and alive.
What do I attribute all of this to?
I have purposely and intentionally opened myself up to the wonders of the Universe. I have said a resounding "YES" to my receiving of divine love. The love of the universe embracing me; the love of self resounding within me and echoing out into my surroundings. The love for my fellow humans being shown and given freely. And, what makes this time so incredibly different, even though I have always enjoyed meeting others, chatting with others, serving others, is that I am doing it from my point of soul now; I really am listening to the tickings of my heart, in the same rhythm of the universe, and we are in sync, we are connected.
The power of that experience is nothing short of incredible.
So, yes, those things all happened. But, there were even more deeply personal changes that occurred, that occurred within me. I felt changed, I felt moved...... I began to open up more, even though I always considered myself to be an open person, it was as if one day, my soul just completely revealed itself. As a coccoon opening up, to allow for the spreading of the wings of the beautiful butterfly (BTW, Vanessa means butterfly in French; how appropriate). I literally could feel my wings unfurling, spreading, showing their newfound colors.
I also felt like I found my voice, my REAL voice, which I had kept silent for most of my life. I have always had a big mouth, always been able to speak up for others, always able to express my opinion, but rarely did I feel totally at ease with speaking, openly, about who I am what I am about. My voice emerged. Some days in a whisper, some days in a roar.
My mind and my awareness has opened up in such a way that hardly anything escapes me. Colors are brighter, sounds are louder, music is sweeter, smells are stronger, and I feel alive and so capable. I still miss details, in such a hurry to take something in, but I am learning, boy am I learning. My mind feels more eager than ever to learn, to grow, to challenge, to read and gain knowledge.
I felt so alive I thought, all of those years of my life. But, I feel like much of me was in a deep, tranquil sleep. Sometimes it was fitful, sometimes restful, but never fully awake, alert and alive.
What do I attribute all of this to?
I have purposely and intentionally opened myself up to the wonders of the Universe. I have said a resounding "YES" to my receiving of divine love. The love of the universe embracing me; the love of self resounding within me and echoing out into my surroundings. The love for my fellow humans being shown and given freely. And, what makes this time so incredibly different, even though I have always enjoyed meeting others, chatting with others, serving others, is that I am doing it from my point of soul now; I really am listening to the tickings of my heart, in the same rhythm of the universe, and we are in sync, we are connected.
The power of that experience is nothing short of incredible.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Just because opportunity knocks.....
.......doesn't mean that we have to answer the door.
Not every opportunity is necessarily our opportunity.
Maybe we are in a tough situation; maybe our relationship is failing, and we meet someone who atttends to us, listens, and seems interested.
Maybe our job has been going poorly, and we hear about a job opportunity that sounds too good to be true. Sure, it isn't a job we would normally enjoy, but the money is good.
Maybe, we have heard about a new way to invest our money, even though it sounds kind of risky, the return could be incredible.
Sometimes, opportunity knocks.
Sometimes, it is better to not answer the door.
I know that this goes against many things that some of us have been taught. When opportunity knocks, answer. Take a chance. Don't miss a great opportunity. Invest now, benefit later.
And, there is not doubt that those opportunities will be beneficial to someone.
But, not every opportunity is an opportunity that is the right one for us.
Starting today, when opportunity knocks, instead of responding to the knock immediately, pause for a moment.
Instead, listen intently. Can you hear the grasshopper? Can you hear the sound of your own heartbeat? Sure, they aren't as loud as a knock or a doorbell, but they hold more firm answers to your future, to your dreams, than any knock on the door.
There are opportunities to be had for each one of us, and reasons why the knock on the door could bring some benefit to our lives. But, only in our hearts can we know for sure if it is the right thing for us or not.
We can't know fully based on advice from others, no matter how well meaning.
We can't know fully based on what a great opportunity it appears to be.
We can't know based on the short term gains.
We can only know by quieting ourselves, listening intently, and getting into step with the beating of our own heart, the calling of our own soul. We need to be listening hard enough and long enough to really know what the answers are for us.
I mean, we can all answer the door when it knocks; we have free will, it is always our choice.
And, no matter what, a lesson will be in store for us.
Are we ready to listen more closely, so that those decisions that we do make, feel more in sync with the rhythm of our lives?
Are you ready to ignore the knocks and listen quietly for the beat?
I dare you.......
Not every opportunity is necessarily our opportunity.
Maybe we are in a tough situation; maybe our relationship is failing, and we meet someone who atttends to us, listens, and seems interested.
Maybe our job has been going poorly, and we hear about a job opportunity that sounds too good to be true. Sure, it isn't a job we would normally enjoy, but the money is good.
Maybe, we have heard about a new way to invest our money, even though it sounds kind of risky, the return could be incredible.
Sometimes, opportunity knocks.
Sometimes, it is better to not answer the door.
I know that this goes against many things that some of us have been taught. When opportunity knocks, answer. Take a chance. Don't miss a great opportunity. Invest now, benefit later.
And, there is not doubt that those opportunities will be beneficial to someone.
But, not every opportunity is an opportunity that is the right one for us.
Starting today, when opportunity knocks, instead of responding to the knock immediately, pause for a moment.
Instead, listen intently. Can you hear the grasshopper? Can you hear the sound of your own heartbeat? Sure, they aren't as loud as a knock or a doorbell, but they hold more firm answers to your future, to your dreams, than any knock on the door.
There are opportunities to be had for each one of us, and reasons why the knock on the door could bring some benefit to our lives. But, only in our hearts can we know for sure if it is the right thing for us or not.
We can't know fully based on advice from others, no matter how well meaning.
We can't know fully based on what a great opportunity it appears to be.
We can't know based on the short term gains.
We can only know by quieting ourselves, listening intently, and getting into step with the beating of our own heart, the calling of our own soul. We need to be listening hard enough and long enough to really know what the answers are for us.
I mean, we can all answer the door when it knocks; we have free will, it is always our choice.
And, no matter what, a lesson will be in store for us.
Are we ready to listen more closely, so that those decisions that we do make, feel more in sync with the rhythm of our lives?
Are you ready to ignore the knocks and listen quietly for the beat?
I dare you.......
Friday, May 23, 2008
I absolutely love this wisdom......
courtesy of Melody Beattie:
"The right time for the journey is when you begin it."
I love the simple truth of that.
"The right time for the journey is when you begin it."
I love the simple truth of that.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
The search for identity.
Our daughter is ten years old. She is a subject often discussed on this blog of mine, because watching her grow and change is such an amazing experience, and she is just such a great little human being in the making. I have been pondering the idea of a person's search for identity because of something that happened with her this week.
She is legally the child of both myself and my partner; and she has always known that, known that she belongs to both of us. Her last name, due to biology of birth, is mine. She was always given the option of hyphenating it, to carry both of our names, and we considered doing it on her behalf at times. But, in wanting to help her feel one of her peer group, we never did anything except keep her name as it is.
This week, she subtly but specifically told me that she wants to change her last name. Not hyphenate it, but change it to reflect my partner's last name only. I was surprised, a little shocked, and at first, felt really weird about that. Not my name anymore? What does that mean, and then, where do I fit in with her identity and origins? It was a strange reaction on my part, I didn't expect it, but have been trying to sort through it since she first told me. And, she only told me directly, not my partner.
Last night, over family dinner, we all had a discussion about it. We talked about the various options with her, and although she was interested in the option of hyphenating vs. changing it, she still wants to change it to her last name.
Now, as her parents, we could say, no, that is not okay. We could express our concern about the questions that she will get, the confusion it may cause with friends or school personnel, possible negative reactions. But, I think we are of a frame of mind that we want HER to make the choice. You see, we are a nontraditional type of family; so, we need to, at times, do things in a nontraditional way, to accomodate the needs of our child, of our family.
After I stopped feeling helpless, lost, and left out about the potential name change, it kind of hit me as a revelation of sorts: she is forming and shaping her own identity. She is taking control of who she is, and part of that, for her, is changing her name. She cannot describe to us, nor explain, why she wants to do it, but identity is a hard thing to explain or describe for any of us. What is our identity? Who are we? Her questions related to this will be far different from many of her peers, so this seems to be an exercise in that, to help her come to her own, loving and individual understanding. She is searching, and we will help her in anyway that we can, that seems reasonable, to find it and explore it.
And, I don't think we could express our love in any fuller of a way.
She is legally the child of both myself and my partner; and she has always known that, known that she belongs to both of us. Her last name, due to biology of birth, is mine. She was always given the option of hyphenating it, to carry both of our names, and we considered doing it on her behalf at times. But, in wanting to help her feel one of her peer group, we never did anything except keep her name as it is.
This week, she subtly but specifically told me that she wants to change her last name. Not hyphenate it, but change it to reflect my partner's last name only. I was surprised, a little shocked, and at first, felt really weird about that. Not my name anymore? What does that mean, and then, where do I fit in with her identity and origins? It was a strange reaction on my part, I didn't expect it, but have been trying to sort through it since she first told me. And, she only told me directly, not my partner.
Last night, over family dinner, we all had a discussion about it. We talked about the various options with her, and although she was interested in the option of hyphenating vs. changing it, she still wants to change it to her last name.
Now, as her parents, we could say, no, that is not okay. We could express our concern about the questions that she will get, the confusion it may cause with friends or school personnel, possible negative reactions. But, I think we are of a frame of mind that we want HER to make the choice. You see, we are a nontraditional type of family; so, we need to, at times, do things in a nontraditional way, to accomodate the needs of our child, of our family.
After I stopped feeling helpless, lost, and left out about the potential name change, it kind of hit me as a revelation of sorts: she is forming and shaping her own identity. She is taking control of who she is, and part of that, for her, is changing her name. She cannot describe to us, nor explain, why she wants to do it, but identity is a hard thing to explain or describe for any of us. What is our identity? Who are we? Her questions related to this will be far different from many of her peers, so this seems to be an exercise in that, to help her come to her own, loving and individual understanding. She is searching, and we will help her in anyway that we can, that seems reasonable, to find it and explore it.
And, I don't think we could express our love in any fuller of a way.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Tend to your own garden.
Oh, the experiences of life. We have all had experiences up to this point, some good, some bad, but all worthwhile and bringing us valuable knowledge and lessons. So, why not pass on that knowledge, those lessons, to those that we love and care about? After all, if it worked for us, shouldn't it work for someone else?
This used to be, and still is although I try to resist, the way that I would interact with those around me; or, as I have come to discover about myself, it was a subtle and not so subtle way to control. Wow, I can't believe I just said that. But, it is truth. And, the truth hurts sometimes.
I have been a social worker, counselor, therapist for my whole professional career. That is a sum total of 24 years now. In that role, I get paid to help people find out what they need to do differently to change their lives. I get paid, and I enjoy the work, of helping others to solve their problems, brainstorm solutions, give suggestions. Even though it is something that I get paid to do, I enjoy doing it because I enjoy helping others, respecting others in the times when friends are hard to come by. I didn't feel like a social worker in my personal life, but I was.
My friends are so important to me, my partner is struggling so badly, if I just gave them the answer that worked for me, then they will feel better, be happier, feel more in balance. Right? Wrong, wrong and wrong. What a very hard lesson for me to learn. Because, by my putting upon my loved ones what I thought they should do, I was controlling; I was dictating; I was taking away their freedom to have their own process, to tend to their own garden, so to speak.
Sure, it is okay to want to weed someone else's plot for them; it is admirable to bring seeds that you have had success with; it is appreciated when you have some extra manure you want to share. Problem is, too much shit is a bad thing. Too much giving of what you think will work the best leaves the other person powerless, helpless, and less confident in their own abilities. And, I have to admit, again, I cannot believe that I am doing so, that it can be great for the ego when something that worked for me, works for someone else. God, I hate admitting that, but it is true.
So, I have made a career now of tending to my own garden, and encouraging those that I know, those that I care about, to do the same. How am I doing this?
Well, I am doing it on the job, by not fixing everyone, but rather, showing them where they can find the tools to fix themselves. I am not their moms- I am a guide, a person just pointing them in the right direction. What a great feeling of satisfaction my clients have when I empower them to do it for themselves; I don't want them to be thanking me anymore, I want them to be grateful to their own self-will.
With those closest to me, I am biting my tongue (literally, sometimes- that hurts!), I am pausing a lot in conversation, when I would previously have given a laundry list of ideas, and letting the other person finish telling their story, or until they have more than a moment's breath for them to figure out what comes next. Tend to their own garden. Grow their own beauty. Mind their own patch of earth and sky.
As I write that, it reminds me of another thought. If we all just told each other how to do things, how to make things right, how to be happy and blessed, we would have a monochromatic version of my favorite fleece blanket. It would keep me warm, but it wouldn't be much to look at. However, if I point people in the right direction, empower them to find their own way, their own answers, their own destiny, and we each take care of our own garden, our own patch of earth, what a beautiful mosaic of quilted beauty that would be. That will be. That should be.
I am learning, forever learning, and forever grateful for the learning...........
This used to be, and still is although I try to resist, the way that I would interact with those around me; or, as I have come to discover about myself, it was a subtle and not so subtle way to control. Wow, I can't believe I just said that. But, it is truth. And, the truth hurts sometimes.
I have been a social worker, counselor, therapist for my whole professional career. That is a sum total of 24 years now. In that role, I get paid to help people find out what they need to do differently to change their lives. I get paid, and I enjoy the work, of helping others to solve their problems, brainstorm solutions, give suggestions. Even though it is something that I get paid to do, I enjoy doing it because I enjoy helping others, respecting others in the times when friends are hard to come by. I didn't feel like a social worker in my personal life, but I was.
My friends are so important to me, my partner is struggling so badly, if I just gave them the answer that worked for me, then they will feel better, be happier, feel more in balance. Right? Wrong, wrong and wrong. What a very hard lesson for me to learn. Because, by my putting upon my loved ones what I thought they should do, I was controlling; I was dictating; I was taking away their freedom to have their own process, to tend to their own garden, so to speak.
Sure, it is okay to want to weed someone else's plot for them; it is admirable to bring seeds that you have had success with; it is appreciated when you have some extra manure you want to share. Problem is, too much shit is a bad thing. Too much giving of what you think will work the best leaves the other person powerless, helpless, and less confident in their own abilities. And, I have to admit, again, I cannot believe that I am doing so, that it can be great for the ego when something that worked for me, works for someone else. God, I hate admitting that, but it is true.
So, I have made a career now of tending to my own garden, and encouraging those that I know, those that I care about, to do the same. How am I doing this?
Well, I am doing it on the job, by not fixing everyone, but rather, showing them where they can find the tools to fix themselves. I am not their moms- I am a guide, a person just pointing them in the right direction. What a great feeling of satisfaction my clients have when I empower them to do it for themselves; I don't want them to be thanking me anymore, I want them to be grateful to their own self-will.
With those closest to me, I am biting my tongue (literally, sometimes- that hurts!), I am pausing a lot in conversation, when I would previously have given a laundry list of ideas, and letting the other person finish telling their story, or until they have more than a moment's breath for them to figure out what comes next. Tend to their own garden. Grow their own beauty. Mind their own patch of earth and sky.
As I write that, it reminds me of another thought. If we all just told each other how to do things, how to make things right, how to be happy and blessed, we would have a monochromatic version of my favorite fleece blanket. It would keep me warm, but it wouldn't be much to look at. However, if I point people in the right direction, empower them to find their own way, their own answers, their own destiny, and we each take care of our own garden, our own patch of earth, what a beautiful mosaic of quilted beauty that would be. That will be. That should be.
I am learning, forever learning, and forever grateful for the learning...........
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
What you believe is what you will see.
Have you ever noticed this phenomenon? That, those things which be believe about ourselves, seem to appear as self-fulfilling prophecies in our lives? We believe that we are unlovable; therefore, we have no current love relationship; We believe that we have lousy luck; therefore, we get every red light, sit in traffic, cannot find a job.
Our lives are so much about perception, what we think is around us, through our own individual lens. So, if my perception of my self is derogatory, negative, self-deprecating, then I will only see around me persons that will abuse, denegrate, and abandon me. I will certainly believe that I deserve no better than what I have. Even if there is a few loving souls on the periphery of our lives, we cannot see them, because we believe that we are unlovable, so we are unable to see the good stuff, the love stuff.
Sure, there are so many things in our lives that are out of our control. I am not trying to state that we cause bad things to happen to ourselves; I am not making light of how bad circumstances take a very heavy toll on people. They have taken their toll on me. But, I am a firm believer that what I have believed in the past, determined what I would see in my local world.
Now, I believe so much more in the power of my own being; in my own light and purpose; in the love that I have to give to my family, my friends, the world. So, what do I seem to find myself surrounded by most these days? Love- pure, sweet LOVE............
It was not always so. When I was living on my own last year, when I got sick, when my daughter was not with me, I was convinced at times that all had abandoned me, that I was totally alone in the world; and, at that time, I was. I isolated myself from those in my life that could assist me. What I believed was what I saw.
When I believed that I had too much guilt to leave my part time job in favor of a better paying, better security, full time job, I did. I had guilt by the car load. Until, I believed that I deserved to not work so hard, to have an easier time of things, to be properly compensated for my work. And, then, that is what I saw: opportunity, new challenges, ease of living.
What we see is not what we believe. There may be things that we accept as truth at times in our lives, because the thinking may be that if it appears to us, it must be what we need to believe in. I have thought this way in the past as well. But, now, on this day, I firmly BELIEVE first; I have beliefs and values and foundations that lead me, open my eyes, give me sight.
Believing is seeing.
Our lives are so much about perception, what we think is around us, through our own individual lens. So, if my perception of my self is derogatory, negative, self-deprecating, then I will only see around me persons that will abuse, denegrate, and abandon me. I will certainly believe that I deserve no better than what I have. Even if there is a few loving souls on the periphery of our lives, we cannot see them, because we believe that we are unlovable, so we are unable to see the good stuff, the love stuff.
Sure, there are so many things in our lives that are out of our control. I am not trying to state that we cause bad things to happen to ourselves; I am not making light of how bad circumstances take a very heavy toll on people. They have taken their toll on me. But, I am a firm believer that what I have believed in the past, determined what I would see in my local world.
Now, I believe so much more in the power of my own being; in my own light and purpose; in the love that I have to give to my family, my friends, the world. So, what do I seem to find myself surrounded by most these days? Love- pure, sweet LOVE............
It was not always so. When I was living on my own last year, when I got sick, when my daughter was not with me, I was convinced at times that all had abandoned me, that I was totally alone in the world; and, at that time, I was. I isolated myself from those in my life that could assist me. What I believed was what I saw.
When I believed that I had too much guilt to leave my part time job in favor of a better paying, better security, full time job, I did. I had guilt by the car load. Until, I believed that I deserved to not work so hard, to have an easier time of things, to be properly compensated for my work. And, then, that is what I saw: opportunity, new challenges, ease of living.
What we see is not what we believe. There may be things that we accept as truth at times in our lives, because the thinking may be that if it appears to us, it must be what we need to believe in. I have thought this way in the past as well. But, now, on this day, I firmly BELIEVE first; I have beliefs and values and foundations that lead me, open my eyes, give me sight.
Believing is seeing.
Car rides........
About four months ago, my daughter stopped wanting to take the bus to school in the morning. Initially, it seemed to be motivated by sleeping a bit late, or just not being in the mood to deal with all of the kids on there. Then, before we both knew it, I was driving her to school every day. Believe me, I don't mind; I rather enjoy our morning time together. It was just such a strange transition, from her wanting to go on her own on the bus, to wanting to be with me every morning that she could.
When she was born, I got to be at home with her for three whole months, day in and day out. It was heaven; we would just do our thing, go out or stay in, play or watch tv, socialize with others or not; we were so happy to be together; of course, no words on her part could describe it then, but she was devoted and smitten already.
Then, my partner was home with her full time after she was just a few months old. Because we only had one income after awhile, I worked as much as I could, sometimes late in the evenings, and the weekends. It was always so hard to leave them both, to go off and do what I needed to do for us, but not be able to be home with my family. As much as I loved my career, leaving our daughter was so hard.
Then, she started wanting a ride to school every day a few months ago. And, what quality time it is. It is about a twenty minute drive to work, and we talk about everything from the weather, to her school day, to her teacher that she dreads, to her friends, and our family. Sometimes the conversations are so deep and soul searching, it makes me eternally grateful that we have raised her the way that we have; to speak up when something is wrong. Now, every day, I crave that time with her in the morning; it starts off my day so beautifully.
To just add to this enhanced family time, I recently made a decision to give up my evening part time job; now, we have dinner together frequently during the week; we enjoy our extra time together, we talk and laugh and play and discuss.
It is worth more to me than anything in this world.
When she was born, I got to be at home with her for three whole months, day in and day out. It was heaven; we would just do our thing, go out or stay in, play or watch tv, socialize with others or not; we were so happy to be together; of course, no words on her part could describe it then, but she was devoted and smitten already.
Then, my partner was home with her full time after she was just a few months old. Because we only had one income after awhile, I worked as much as I could, sometimes late in the evenings, and the weekends. It was always so hard to leave them both, to go off and do what I needed to do for us, but not be able to be home with my family. As much as I loved my career, leaving our daughter was so hard.
Then, she started wanting a ride to school every day a few months ago. And, what quality time it is. It is about a twenty minute drive to work, and we talk about everything from the weather, to her school day, to her teacher that she dreads, to her friends, and our family. Sometimes the conversations are so deep and soul searching, it makes me eternally grateful that we have raised her the way that we have; to speak up when something is wrong. Now, every day, I crave that time with her in the morning; it starts off my day so beautifully.
To just add to this enhanced family time, I recently made a decision to give up my evening part time job; now, we have dinner together frequently during the week; we enjoy our extra time together, we talk and laugh and play and discuss.
It is worth more to me than anything in this world.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Just for the fun of it..... can you answer all of these??
1. Do you like blue cheese? Absolutely; not good for a healthy eating plan, though, I am afraid.....
2. Have you ever smoked heroin? Nope, never, and can safely say never will, either
3. Do you own a gun? Nope
4. What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic? No sonics near me; where are they??
5. Do you get nervous before Doctor Appointments? Not usually
6. What do you think of hot dogs? I usually only get in the mood for them in the summer, at cookouts and at ball games; I am SUCH a cliche........
7. Favorite Christmas movie? It's A Wonderful Life- TOTAL tearjerker
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Did someone say coffee??? BLACK only
9. Can you do push ups? I actually can in my "older" years.... and like it, too.
10. Age? 45
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My past,present and future necklace from my love; my heart locket from my daughter for Mother's day
12. Favorite hobby? blogging, watching movies, travelling, music
13. Favorite Actor? Jodie Foster
14. Do you have A.D.D.? No
15. What's one trait you hate about yourself? My compulsiveness about time, at times.....
16. Middle name? Leigh
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment: I am hungry, is it cold outside, is it 5:00 yet?
18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday: dinner, bananas, graham crackers
19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Water, wine, coffee
20. Current worry? Fixing up our front porch
21. Current hate right now? The weather; I am cold all the time...
22 Favorite place to be? By the ocean somewhere with my family.
23. How did you bring in the New Year? We all got in our jammies, took pictures with hats on, even on the dog; had special snacks, barely saw the ball drop at Midnight in NYC......
24. Where would you like to go? Right now? To the ocean with my family.
25. Name three people who will complete this? The possibilities are endless; I am posting it on my blog!!!!
26.What kind of shirt are you wearing? Long sleeve cotton purple sweater
28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Nope; either flannel or crisp cotton are my faves
29. Can you whistle? sometimes
30. Favorite color? PINK, without a doubt
31. Would you be a pirate? No
32. What songs do you sing in the shower? Well, today it will be Kung Foo Fighting...... otherwise, usually based on whatever is in my CD player in my car at the time; today it is Bjork.
33. Favorite girl's name? Hannah (wonder why???)
34. Favorite boy's name? Devon
35. What is in your pocket right now? Lint
36. Last thing that made you laugh? Having the song Kung Foo Fighting in my memory......
37. Best bed sheets as a child? Was there something exciting about them? Don't remember my sheets from childhood..........
38. Worst injury you've ever had? Falling into a hole and gashing open my knee, getting stitches
39. Do you love where you live? Yes, all aspects; location and home
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? 3
41. Who is your loudest friend? Mary
42. How many dogs do you have? One; Abby
43. Does someone have a crush on you? Not sure; I guess that keeps the element of surprise alive and well.......
44. What is your favorite book? Anything in the Harry Potter series
45. Where were you born? Pennsacola, FLA
46. What is your favorite candy? Good n Plenty; or, Reeses Peanut butter cups
47. Favorite Sports Team? Boston Red Sox
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? Be Not Afraid; On Eagle's Wings
49. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Sleeping
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Is it really Monday already???
2. Have you ever smoked heroin? Nope, never, and can safely say never will, either
3. Do you own a gun? Nope
4. What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic? No sonics near me; where are they??
5. Do you get nervous before Doctor Appointments? Not usually
6. What do you think of hot dogs? I usually only get in the mood for them in the summer, at cookouts and at ball games; I am SUCH a cliche........
7. Favorite Christmas movie? It's A Wonderful Life- TOTAL tearjerker
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Did someone say coffee??? BLACK only
9. Can you do push ups? I actually can in my "older" years.... and like it, too.
10. Age? 45
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My past,present and future necklace from my love; my heart locket from my daughter for Mother's day
12. Favorite hobby? blogging, watching movies, travelling, music
13. Favorite Actor? Jodie Foster
14. Do you have A.D.D.? No
15. What's one trait you hate about yourself? My compulsiveness about time, at times.....
16. Middle name? Leigh
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment: I am hungry, is it cold outside, is it 5:00 yet?
18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday: dinner, bananas, graham crackers
19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Water, wine, coffee
20. Current worry? Fixing up our front porch
21. Current hate right now? The weather; I am cold all the time...
22 Favorite place to be? By the ocean somewhere with my family.
23. How did you bring in the New Year? We all got in our jammies, took pictures with hats on, even on the dog; had special snacks, barely saw the ball drop at Midnight in NYC......
24. Where would you like to go? Right now? To the ocean with my family.
25. Name three people who will complete this? The possibilities are endless; I am posting it on my blog!!!!
26.What kind of shirt are you wearing? Long sleeve cotton purple sweater
28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Nope; either flannel or crisp cotton are my faves
29. Can you whistle? sometimes
30. Favorite color? PINK, without a doubt
31. Would you be a pirate? No
32. What songs do you sing in the shower? Well, today it will be Kung Foo Fighting...... otherwise, usually based on whatever is in my CD player in my car at the time; today it is Bjork.
33. Favorite girl's name? Hannah (wonder why???)
34. Favorite boy's name? Devon
35. What is in your pocket right now? Lint
36. Last thing that made you laugh? Having the song Kung Foo Fighting in my memory......
37. Best bed sheets as a child? Was there something exciting about them? Don't remember my sheets from childhood..........
38. Worst injury you've ever had? Falling into a hole and gashing open my knee, getting stitches
39. Do you love where you live? Yes, all aspects; location and home
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? 3
41. Who is your loudest friend? Mary
42. How many dogs do you have? One; Abby
43. Does someone have a crush on you? Not sure; I guess that keeps the element of surprise alive and well.......
44. What is your favorite book? Anything in the Harry Potter series
45. Where were you born? Pennsacola, FLA
46. What is your favorite candy? Good n Plenty; or, Reeses Peanut butter cups
47. Favorite Sports Team? Boston Red Sox
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? Be Not Afraid; On Eagle's Wings
49. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Sleeping
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Is it really Monday already???
Friday, May 16, 2008
Inspiration Point
Do you know where your Inspiration Point is?
The Inspiration Point places in our lives don't have to be a destination. Sure, we all have probably had the experience, that we didn't feel like we could fully relax, enjoy, unwind, and be ourselves, unless we were at the beach, near a mountain, on a retreat, meditating, sky diving, or many other special endeavors. It really doesn't have to be that way at all.
We may all have our own special places, special destinations that we look forward to as a way to connect, to relate, to wind down and listen to the quiet voice within. Maybe, it is our church. Maybe it is the woods or mountains a days' drive from home. Maybe it is driving to the sea, and looking out over the vast ocean. For me, the deepest sense of peace and refuge comes when I am near the ocean; the roar of the surf, the feel of the sand under my feet, the cry of the gulls, the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets that I have ever seen, the shell seeking on the beach for hours; I feel so connected there. But, I have been learning, and what I have learned is: I cannot get to the ocean as often as I would like. What else could be my inspiration point?
Basically, everything. Every moment, every breath, every minute of every day, can have instilled in it a moment of inspiration, of support, of beauty, of life. Of course, it is not there if we do not have the eyes to see it. If we enable ourselves to embrace the daily, moments of beauty in our lives that occur all of the time. There is beauty in joy, beauty in sorrow, beauty in anger and loss and frustration and monetary gain; every moment of every day, we can experience beauty and inspiration and solace, peace and balance- if we are willing to see it.
If I had to wait until every time I was able to get to my beloved ocean to feel inspired, then how sad my days in between would be!! I don't want to live a half-life; one in which I only spend half of my days actually living. I want to live it all.
What are my Inspiration Points?? My partner; her beauty, her wit, her compassion, her arms around me; her heart. My daughter; her laughter; her hugs; her love; her curiosity; her independence looming ahead of us. My home and yard; its greenery; new life in baby trees; blossoms on apple trees; lilacs about to bud; deer that roam around our yard. I am telling you, I really seek inspiration in everything, I mean EVERYTHING, that is around me. Even the shitty stuff, the challenges, the burdens, the griefs, I try to find how it can lead me to my higher purpose, my guidance, my support and refuge, my future strength and growth.
You don't have to go to a special destination to find your Inspiration Point. The closest place to visit it is within yourself.
Go visit there today. And, don't forget to send me a postcard.........
The Inspiration Point places in our lives don't have to be a destination. Sure, we all have probably had the experience, that we didn't feel like we could fully relax, enjoy, unwind, and be ourselves, unless we were at the beach, near a mountain, on a retreat, meditating, sky diving, or many other special endeavors. It really doesn't have to be that way at all.
We may all have our own special places, special destinations that we look forward to as a way to connect, to relate, to wind down and listen to the quiet voice within. Maybe, it is our church. Maybe it is the woods or mountains a days' drive from home. Maybe it is driving to the sea, and looking out over the vast ocean. For me, the deepest sense of peace and refuge comes when I am near the ocean; the roar of the surf, the feel of the sand under my feet, the cry of the gulls, the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets that I have ever seen, the shell seeking on the beach for hours; I feel so connected there. But, I have been learning, and what I have learned is: I cannot get to the ocean as often as I would like. What else could be my inspiration point?
Basically, everything. Every moment, every breath, every minute of every day, can have instilled in it a moment of inspiration, of support, of beauty, of life. Of course, it is not there if we do not have the eyes to see it. If we enable ourselves to embrace the daily, moments of beauty in our lives that occur all of the time. There is beauty in joy, beauty in sorrow, beauty in anger and loss and frustration and monetary gain; every moment of every day, we can experience beauty and inspiration and solace, peace and balance- if we are willing to see it.
If I had to wait until every time I was able to get to my beloved ocean to feel inspired, then how sad my days in between would be!! I don't want to live a half-life; one in which I only spend half of my days actually living. I want to live it all.
What are my Inspiration Points?? My partner; her beauty, her wit, her compassion, her arms around me; her heart. My daughter; her laughter; her hugs; her love; her curiosity; her independence looming ahead of us. My home and yard; its greenery; new life in baby trees; blossoms on apple trees; lilacs about to bud; deer that roam around our yard. I am telling you, I really seek inspiration in everything, I mean EVERYTHING, that is around me. Even the shitty stuff, the challenges, the burdens, the griefs, I try to find how it can lead me to my higher purpose, my guidance, my support and refuge, my future strength and growth.
You don't have to go to a special destination to find your Inspiration Point. The closest place to visit it is within yourself.
Go visit there today. And, don't forget to send me a postcard.........
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Forgive yourself.
What are you waiting for?
Sure, maybe you messed up, maybe you made a wrong choice, maybe you even made a right choice for you, but bad for someone else.
Forgive yourself.
Guilt does nothing but destroy. Whether it is put upon us, or we heap it upon ourselves, it destroys anything and everything good that we formerly believed about ourselves or someone else. Guilt can destroy our self esteem and our relationships with others.
Forgive yourself.
Sometimes, we may put off, or neglect, to forgive ourselves, because to do so, we need to face up to something that we have done, even though what we did was not wrong. However, if you need forgiveness, mustn't that mean you really screwed up?
Forgive yourself.
It means you are letting yourself off of the hook, for something that you have led yourself to believe was bad or wrong. If it was, apologize and make amends; if it wasn't, or even if it was, forgive yourself as well.
I have often apologized to others, when it was called for, in a very genuine way. But, the step that I often missed, was apologizing to myself, for condemning, for damning, for shaming myself. I have had to give myself forgiveness. That creates so much damage to our souls, to believe that others are worth of forgiveness, but not ourselves.
Forgive yourself.
The longer you don't, the longer that you are denying yourself the peace, comfort, and joy of the present day.
Go ahead, do it. Forgive yourself.
And see what joy is in store for you today.
Sure, maybe you messed up, maybe you made a wrong choice, maybe you even made a right choice for you, but bad for someone else.
Forgive yourself.
Guilt does nothing but destroy. Whether it is put upon us, or we heap it upon ourselves, it destroys anything and everything good that we formerly believed about ourselves or someone else. Guilt can destroy our self esteem and our relationships with others.
Forgive yourself.
Sometimes, we may put off, or neglect, to forgive ourselves, because to do so, we need to face up to something that we have done, even though what we did was not wrong. However, if you need forgiveness, mustn't that mean you really screwed up?
Forgive yourself.
It means you are letting yourself off of the hook, for something that you have led yourself to believe was bad or wrong. If it was, apologize and make amends; if it wasn't, or even if it was, forgive yourself as well.
I have often apologized to others, when it was called for, in a very genuine way. But, the step that I often missed, was apologizing to myself, for condemning, for damning, for shaming myself. I have had to give myself forgiveness. That creates so much damage to our souls, to believe that others are worth of forgiveness, but not ourselves.
Forgive yourself.
The longer you don't, the longer that you are denying yourself the peace, comfort, and joy of the present day.
Go ahead, do it. Forgive yourself.
And see what joy is in store for you today.
Perfect strawberry love.
My friend, Aud, just posted today her soon to be a bestseller dictionary publication. It is inspiring me to want to write about one of my own little ditties, that I came up with years ago, and sticks with me to this very day.
June is strawberry season around here. Every year, in the middle to the end of the month, local strawberries are available by the bucketful. We try to go every year, to a local strawberry farm, and pick as many berries as we can carry, and then take them home, make jelly, and eat them until we turn red. It is amazing.
One year, during such a season, many years ago, I was sorting through the berries that we would use to make our jelly. And, I came across one of the most perfect strawberries that I had ever seen. No bruising, no green color, just perfectly red and perfectly ripe all the way around. Yet, it was not perfectly round; it was an odd shape, and it had a big stem, leaves and was covered with seeds.
Perfect strawberry; like love to me, in that moment. Ripe, moist, just right in so many ways, on the outside; yet, still some imperfections, still little, individual differences that make each of us unique.
If we partake, if we dive into that strawberry love, and take a bite, we get to experience that sweetness, that juiciness, that ultimate experience of perfect strawberry love. Looking at it from afar is a great experience; actually having it, eating it, is even sweeter.
When I first thought of this, it came to me that I do not mean that love is perfect, or that every love experience calls this analogy to mind. Love is far from perfect; it is the height of imperfection. But, for me, love, the love that I have now in my life, and have had for years, is the epitome of this analogy. I had sorted through so many other strawberries, and ate many that were still a bit green, had a bruise or two, or were way too big, overgrown.
It was not the love that I was searching for, or waiting for it to find me.
When I came across the most perfect strawberry I had ever seen, it was not perfect, but it was fully ripe, ready, firm, yet soft....... it was ready to be consumed.
And, the sweetness was beyond anything that I could have imagined.
Now, in hindsight, I can't say that all of those other strawberries were wasted; that I didn't have some enjoyment in them.
The difference, is that I enjoyed them; I found joy in this one.
Perfect strawberry love.
June is strawberry season around here. Every year, in the middle to the end of the month, local strawberries are available by the bucketful. We try to go every year, to a local strawberry farm, and pick as many berries as we can carry, and then take them home, make jelly, and eat them until we turn red. It is amazing.
One year, during such a season, many years ago, I was sorting through the berries that we would use to make our jelly. And, I came across one of the most perfect strawberries that I had ever seen. No bruising, no green color, just perfectly red and perfectly ripe all the way around. Yet, it was not perfectly round; it was an odd shape, and it had a big stem, leaves and was covered with seeds.
Perfect strawberry; like love to me, in that moment. Ripe, moist, just right in so many ways, on the outside; yet, still some imperfections, still little, individual differences that make each of us unique.
If we partake, if we dive into that strawberry love, and take a bite, we get to experience that sweetness, that juiciness, that ultimate experience of perfect strawberry love. Looking at it from afar is a great experience; actually having it, eating it, is even sweeter.
When I first thought of this, it came to me that I do not mean that love is perfect, or that every love experience calls this analogy to mind. Love is far from perfect; it is the height of imperfection. But, for me, love, the love that I have now in my life, and have had for years, is the epitome of this analogy. I had sorted through so many other strawberries, and ate many that were still a bit green, had a bruise or two, or were way too big, overgrown.
It was not the love that I was searching for, or waiting for it to find me.
When I came across the most perfect strawberry I had ever seen, it was not perfect, but it was fully ripe, ready, firm, yet soft....... it was ready to be consumed.
And, the sweetness was beyond anything that I could have imagined.
Now, in hindsight, I can't say that all of those other strawberries were wasted; that I didn't have some enjoyment in them.
The difference, is that I enjoyed them; I found joy in this one.
Perfect strawberry love.
Friday, May 9, 2008
What comes to your mind?
I am kind of hijacking this idea from Vishesh, one of my more recent readers, who is also a tremendous writer, at such a tender age.......
The question that she posed to her readers was: What comes to your mind when you read these words:
life
pain
joy
happiness
suffering
love
friend
earth
death
I did offer a response on her blog, something to the effect of the chronology of life, from beginning to end. Which, I believe to be true in one way. To me, when I read the words as she posted them, as I have posted them here, the appearance and flow of those words seemed to depict a chronological order of sorts in my mind. Now, in the light of a new day, I wanted to expand a bit upon them, in terms of what most quickly comes to mind when I think of them.
life: everything, all encompassing, that which we all pass through and experience.
pain: physical, psychic, spiritual or emotional, at the time that it occurs, we believe we won't possibly survive to come to the other side, healing and repair.
joy: almost indescribable, intensity, pure happiness and bliss, experienced more often the more evolved and self-aware that we become.
happiness: the step of feeling pleasure before we learn about joy. The things we do to remain content.
suffering: the requirement, the dues that we must pay in order to fully have what we are meant to in life; that which we go through on behalf of another, or in service to another.
love: is why we do everything that we do, whether it be good or bad; we all want love if we don't have it, want to keep it if we do, and want to despise it at times, because of what it is and of how badly we need it in our lives. Love is the center, the embodiment, of true souls.
friend: it is those rare, few people in our lives that know when to hold on, when to let go, when to support and encourage, when to guide gently in another direction, but always present even when they are not present. Friendship is not boastful, dishonest, demeaning, or vain. Friendships that are true just are.
earth: our mother, our life blood, our sustenance, our strength. Earth earns my highest, utmost respect. her power and might are so destroyed and disrespected, yet she remains ever true, ever providing soil for our foods, trees for our sustenance, water for our joy and refreshment; mother earth does not turn her back on us, although I cannot say the same as us for her.
death: that which we must all pass to; that which is a mystery and a fright as much as it is heaven and beauty and peace and pure nirvana. I go between fearing death and accepting death, in myself and my loved ones. Death comes too soon for many, not soon enough for others who suffer greatly, and too catastrophically for those who are unprepared.
I am such a thinker, a dweller on ideas and concepts, yet some of my best writings, my most vivid creations, come when I just allow the words to flow from me, as freely as a running stream, to cross over the rocks in its path, smoothing them on the way, but remaining every constant, ever free and flowing.
The question that she posed to her readers was: What comes to your mind when you read these words:
life
pain
joy
happiness
suffering
love
friend
earth
death
I did offer a response on her blog, something to the effect of the chronology of life, from beginning to end. Which, I believe to be true in one way. To me, when I read the words as she posted them, as I have posted them here, the appearance and flow of those words seemed to depict a chronological order of sorts in my mind. Now, in the light of a new day, I wanted to expand a bit upon them, in terms of what most quickly comes to mind when I think of them.
life: everything, all encompassing, that which we all pass through and experience.
pain: physical, psychic, spiritual or emotional, at the time that it occurs, we believe we won't possibly survive to come to the other side, healing and repair.
joy: almost indescribable, intensity, pure happiness and bliss, experienced more often the more evolved and self-aware that we become.
happiness: the step of feeling pleasure before we learn about joy. The things we do to remain content.
suffering: the requirement, the dues that we must pay in order to fully have what we are meant to in life; that which we go through on behalf of another, or in service to another.
love: is why we do everything that we do, whether it be good or bad; we all want love if we don't have it, want to keep it if we do, and want to despise it at times, because of what it is and of how badly we need it in our lives. Love is the center, the embodiment, of true souls.
friend: it is those rare, few people in our lives that know when to hold on, when to let go, when to support and encourage, when to guide gently in another direction, but always present even when they are not present. Friendship is not boastful, dishonest, demeaning, or vain. Friendships that are true just are.
earth: our mother, our life blood, our sustenance, our strength. Earth earns my highest, utmost respect. her power and might are so destroyed and disrespected, yet she remains ever true, ever providing soil for our foods, trees for our sustenance, water for our joy and refreshment; mother earth does not turn her back on us, although I cannot say the same as us for her.
death: that which we must all pass to; that which is a mystery and a fright as much as it is heaven and beauty and peace and pure nirvana. I go between fearing death and accepting death, in myself and my loved ones. Death comes too soon for many, not soon enough for others who suffer greatly, and too catastrophically for those who are unprepared.
I am such a thinker, a dweller on ideas and concepts, yet some of my best writings, my most vivid creations, come when I just allow the words to flow from me, as freely as a running stream, to cross over the rocks in its path, smoothing them on the way, but remaining every constant, ever free and flowing.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Dreams don't come for free.
Last night, I saw an old friend driving behind me. I am totally sure it was her; I recognized her vehicle and her as well. She knows my car, she has seen it before, it is loaded with stickers as well which fully indicate it is me; yet, she did nothing to acknowledge me, or my daughter, who was also in my car. No wave, no nod, no nothing, and she was right behind me.
For an hour or more after this, I was bugged, bugged by her ignorance, bugged by the fact that she has done that to me in the past, but I always excused it. Bugged because she never calls me when I call her; she never checks in just to say hello; she doesn't appear to be happy for me and my life and love. Bugged because I feel like I didn't make a good choice in her as a friend.
Part of my frustration, my bugginess, about situations such as these, which I have written about here before, is that this particular friend said that she was genuinely happy for me about my reconciliation; that I was moving back to my home; that I was getting my life back, in a way. But, she has never shown me that. She has cancelled plans, or blew off making plans, when it was an opportunity for her to meet my partner, to come to our home, to hang out. So, what I have come to believe and to understand, is that happiness for me reminds her of her own unhappiness, which I always knew to be true, that deep down, she is an unhappy person.
Why the title of this thread? Because my belief is that those that do view my life as happy, and theirs as unhappy, start to resent my life in a way, in part because they view me getting what I want as my own, dumb luck. Like the goodness falls into my lap, like I don't have to do anything to obtain it.
Happiness, bliss, satisfaction in one's life, doesn't drop into my lap. I have had to work, and to work hard, on my world, and on my self, in order to have the things that I want, that I desire, that fulfill me. DREAMS DON'T COME FOR FREE. Dreams cost our time, our energy, our heart........the cost is always worth it in my mind, even if I fall short, I always learn, I always gain in some way.
DREAMS DON'T COME FOR FREE..........
I believe that dreams are born of a desire, and also, a self-will that is courageous enough to walk on in spite of being afraid. I have paid every cost that there is, in order to achieve, and to gain, and to have, what I have. I will continue to do so, because I will continue to dream.
BUT, DREAMS DON'T COME FOR FREE.......
YET, THEY ARE AVAILABLE AT A PRICE I DON'T EVER MIND PAYING, AND THE PRICE THAT I WOULD PAY FOR NOT PURSUING THEM IS WAY TOO HIGH........
For an hour or more after this, I was bugged, bugged by her ignorance, bugged by the fact that she has done that to me in the past, but I always excused it. Bugged because she never calls me when I call her; she never checks in just to say hello; she doesn't appear to be happy for me and my life and love. Bugged because I feel like I didn't make a good choice in her as a friend.
Part of my frustration, my bugginess, about situations such as these, which I have written about here before, is that this particular friend said that she was genuinely happy for me about my reconciliation; that I was moving back to my home; that I was getting my life back, in a way. But, she has never shown me that. She has cancelled plans, or blew off making plans, when it was an opportunity for her to meet my partner, to come to our home, to hang out. So, what I have come to believe and to understand, is that happiness for me reminds her of her own unhappiness, which I always knew to be true, that deep down, she is an unhappy person.
Why the title of this thread? Because my belief is that those that do view my life as happy, and theirs as unhappy, start to resent my life in a way, in part because they view me getting what I want as my own, dumb luck. Like the goodness falls into my lap, like I don't have to do anything to obtain it.
Happiness, bliss, satisfaction in one's life, doesn't drop into my lap. I have had to work, and to work hard, on my world, and on my self, in order to have the things that I want, that I desire, that fulfill me. DREAMS DON'T COME FOR FREE. Dreams cost our time, our energy, our heart........the cost is always worth it in my mind, even if I fall short, I always learn, I always gain in some way.
DREAMS DON'T COME FOR FREE..........
I believe that dreams are born of a desire, and also, a self-will that is courageous enough to walk on in spite of being afraid. I have paid every cost that there is, in order to achieve, and to gain, and to have, what I have. I will continue to do so, because I will continue to dream.
BUT, DREAMS DON'T COME FOR FREE.......
YET, THEY ARE AVAILABLE AT A PRICE I DON'T EVER MIND PAYING, AND THE PRICE THAT I WOULD PAY FOR NOT PURSUING THEM IS WAY TOO HIGH........
Love is like a broken bone.
About two months ago, our daughter was at her weekly dance class. When she was attempting to do one of the moves, she fell and held out her left hand to break her fall. Instead, she broke her wrist. A nice, clean break, no fractures or anything. Painful, uncomfortable, and a long recovery process, which required keeping the bone stabilized to make sure that it would grow back strongly and correctly.
Two weeks ago, her cast came off, yet, she still needed to avoid contact sports or other dangerous activities that could re-traumatize the area. Now, as of today, her bone is fully mended, and she can go back to her normal activities.
When considering her healing process, the process of a portion of her physical body being hurt, and then, healing, it reminded me a lot of love, of the love that I have with my partner. Like a broken bone. Two years ago, almost to the day, I told the love of my life that I needed to leave what we had created together, that I was no longer happy, that I believed that we were not going to make it. I practically heard the structure of love break in half at that moment, the earth stood still, it seemed surreal.
And, what a break it was, full of intense pain, uncomfortable sleep, heartache. Loss. Loss of ability to do things that I used to do: like having someone to talk to, laugh with, cry with...... I was alone. She was alone. We both were hurting deeply, grieving, grasping at what was no longer there. The love was broken. Like a broken bone.
One year ago, after keeping our love and our relationship in suspension for a year, after casting it and letting it heal, for God only knew what the outcome would be, we started talking about it again. We started to slowly resume what we used to be able to do, because some healing had taken place. The cast was off, we had some additional time to get strong, and then we resumed our activities, like a broken bone. We talked, we shared, we laughed and we cried together. We began to actively, slowly, use the love that had been healing for a year.
After my daughter broke her wrist, my dad told me that when a bone is broken, it grows back even stronger.
Love is like a broken bone, if we let it be. If we heal it properly, gently, and take care when the cast is removed, that love will be stronger than ever, more able to whether the stressors on it, more able to engage in activities that it enjoys.
Love is like a broken bone...............a casted bone........a healing bone....... a stronger bone.
Two weeks ago, her cast came off, yet, she still needed to avoid contact sports or other dangerous activities that could re-traumatize the area. Now, as of today, her bone is fully mended, and she can go back to her normal activities.
When considering her healing process, the process of a portion of her physical body being hurt, and then, healing, it reminded me a lot of love, of the love that I have with my partner. Like a broken bone. Two years ago, almost to the day, I told the love of my life that I needed to leave what we had created together, that I was no longer happy, that I believed that we were not going to make it. I practically heard the structure of love break in half at that moment, the earth stood still, it seemed surreal.
And, what a break it was, full of intense pain, uncomfortable sleep, heartache. Loss. Loss of ability to do things that I used to do: like having someone to talk to, laugh with, cry with...... I was alone. She was alone. We both were hurting deeply, grieving, grasping at what was no longer there. The love was broken. Like a broken bone.
One year ago, after keeping our love and our relationship in suspension for a year, after casting it and letting it heal, for God only knew what the outcome would be, we started talking about it again. We started to slowly resume what we used to be able to do, because some healing had taken place. The cast was off, we had some additional time to get strong, and then we resumed our activities, like a broken bone. We talked, we shared, we laughed and we cried together. We began to actively, slowly, use the love that had been healing for a year.
After my daughter broke her wrist, my dad told me that when a bone is broken, it grows back even stronger.
Love is like a broken bone, if we let it be. If we heal it properly, gently, and take care when the cast is removed, that love will be stronger than ever, more able to whether the stressors on it, more able to engage in activities that it enjoys.
Love is like a broken bone...............a casted bone........a healing bone....... a stronger bone.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Prepare Ye the Way....... the concert.
Let me begin by saying that my concert event was AWESOME, SPECTACULAR, ENERGIZING, CONTAGIOUS, SPIRITUAL, AWAKENING, and HUMBLING............
What a amazing experience for me, for my brother, for his congregation, for my family, and for the spirit within.
I was nervous going into the first of two performances on Saturday night. During the day, I just puttered around the house, tried not to talk too much, rest my voice, drinking tea, and mentally preparing. The biggest crowd we would probably expect was about fifty people, but virtually all of them would be strangers to me. My daughter came with me early to the church, to assist in set up, and also to practice some tunes. We then went to have a bite to eat with my brother and his family, and came back to the church to prepare.
The concert took place in the church's fellowship hall, which is in the basement of his Lutheran church. They had set up couches, tables with chairs, and lamps and other low lighting all over. The name of the band is Living Stones, so they had beautiful stones on each table, and smaller ones with the band's name on the front table for each person to take.
The crowd filtered in from about 30 minutes before the show. All of the seats were taken, half of them were persons that don't even attend there! I started to get a bit nervous, maybe I am not prepared enough, maybe my voice will crack, etc.
No worries were necessary. It seemed as if my voice came from a place within myself that I had never tapped into before. I was not timid, I did not crack, I was able to focus, and it was pure and uninhibited. We sang for one and one half hours, and the audience on Saturday even asked for an encore!!!!
After Saturday's show, a woman from my brother's church complimented me on my voice, and told me that when I sang "I Don't Know How to Love Him" from Jesus Christ Superstar, the hair on her arms stood on end!!! Intense.
The show on Sunday was just as exciting, and energizing, although the audience was a bit more subdued, mellow. The house was even more full, and more chairs needed to be brought in to have enough seats. My brother was asked when myself and the other female guest vocalist there would be joing the church and the band!!! Distance won't allow me to sing with them every week, but I would enjoy continuing to do it.
The other big pay off for me, was the connection that I had with my brother. We stood in the front, next to one another, him playing his bass, and singing, and it was just so SWEET. We hardly ever do anything together anymore, and this activity could not have been more perfect for the two of us.
It was just the best.........
What a amazing experience for me, for my brother, for his congregation, for my family, and for the spirit within.
I was nervous going into the first of two performances on Saturday night. During the day, I just puttered around the house, tried not to talk too much, rest my voice, drinking tea, and mentally preparing. The biggest crowd we would probably expect was about fifty people, but virtually all of them would be strangers to me. My daughter came with me early to the church, to assist in set up, and also to practice some tunes. We then went to have a bite to eat with my brother and his family, and came back to the church to prepare.
The concert took place in the church's fellowship hall, which is in the basement of his Lutheran church. They had set up couches, tables with chairs, and lamps and other low lighting all over. The name of the band is Living Stones, so they had beautiful stones on each table, and smaller ones with the band's name on the front table for each person to take.
The crowd filtered in from about 30 minutes before the show. All of the seats were taken, half of them were persons that don't even attend there! I started to get a bit nervous, maybe I am not prepared enough, maybe my voice will crack, etc.
No worries were necessary. It seemed as if my voice came from a place within myself that I had never tapped into before. I was not timid, I did not crack, I was able to focus, and it was pure and uninhibited. We sang for one and one half hours, and the audience on Saturday even asked for an encore!!!!
After Saturday's show, a woman from my brother's church complimented me on my voice, and told me that when I sang "I Don't Know How to Love Him" from Jesus Christ Superstar, the hair on her arms stood on end!!! Intense.
The show on Sunday was just as exciting, and energizing, although the audience was a bit more subdued, mellow. The house was even more full, and more chairs needed to be brought in to have enough seats. My brother was asked when myself and the other female guest vocalist there would be joing the church and the band!!! Distance won't allow me to sing with them every week, but I would enjoy continuing to do it.
The other big pay off for me, was the connection that I had with my brother. We stood in the front, next to one another, him playing his bass, and singing, and it was just so SWEET. We hardly ever do anything together anymore, and this activity could not have been more perfect for the two of us.
It was just the best.........
Friday, May 2, 2008
A singing career re-emerges!!!!
Or not!
This is totally related to my previous post, about spirituality and how I connect with that side of myself. Curious???
Not many of you who know me, or read my blog, know that my original career choice, while I was in high school, was to be a singer. Long before American Idol, I was going to go to college and study music performance, and try my hand at making it in the industry. I attended a two week music camp at Hartt School of Music in CT, I competed vocally with my high school choir, I sang barbershop with three other women, I was very versatile in my singing. However, my dreams of such a career were crushed by my well intentioned music director, who told me that I didn't have the chops to make it, to deal with the rejection. She is probably right, but I was devastated.
Two years after I graduated, my brother also got the singing bug, and spent his last three years of high school also active in the choir, and competing. He then formed a few different bands that played some local places near our home in New Hampshire, and the notes, lyrics, and the energy brought him alive every time.
My brother lives about forty minutes away from me, the closest he has ever lived to me in our adult lives. He no longer has a bar band, but rather, a church one. Along with the pastor of his Lutheran church, they have created a band called Living Stones. They have made CD's, played concerts at coffee houses, and sang at services weekly for a couple of years. I have sang with them here and here, but this weekend is the mother lode.
We are performing, the band including me, a musical tribute to the life of Jesus, all in song, from his birth to his death and resurrection. We are doing tunes from Godspell (my absolute favorite show, next to "Rent"), Jesus Christ Superstar, and a show called The Witness, which I was never familiar with. I am singing with the band, and singing a solo tune, "I Don't Know How to Love Him" from Superstar. The performances are tomorrow and Sunday, free and open to the public.
I cannot fully express how excited and filled with joy about doing this, for many reasons. First, my love of music is intense. I have not had opportunities to perform it in the last few years, and when I am able to, due to time constraints or breathing constraints (I have asthma) I fully embrace the moment. Another reason, is the opportunity to perform with my brother; I love his singing voice, and we rarely get to do things like this together, and it really brings us closer.
One final reason, most closely connected to my previous post, is that I feel like God is fully in my heart when I raise my voice in song, especially songs about him and his son. The love that embodies a tune, the angst of the struggles, the power of his message, it all comes through so much more intensely for me in a song.
I am bursting with joy and anticipation!!! My song will carry love to the heavens!!!
This is totally related to my previous post, about spirituality and how I connect with that side of myself. Curious???
Not many of you who know me, or read my blog, know that my original career choice, while I was in high school, was to be a singer. Long before American Idol, I was going to go to college and study music performance, and try my hand at making it in the industry. I attended a two week music camp at Hartt School of Music in CT, I competed vocally with my high school choir, I sang barbershop with three other women, I was very versatile in my singing. However, my dreams of such a career were crushed by my well intentioned music director, who told me that I didn't have the chops to make it, to deal with the rejection. She is probably right, but I was devastated.
Two years after I graduated, my brother also got the singing bug, and spent his last three years of high school also active in the choir, and competing. He then formed a few different bands that played some local places near our home in New Hampshire, and the notes, lyrics, and the energy brought him alive every time.
My brother lives about forty minutes away from me, the closest he has ever lived to me in our adult lives. He no longer has a bar band, but rather, a church one. Along with the pastor of his Lutheran church, they have created a band called Living Stones. They have made CD's, played concerts at coffee houses, and sang at services weekly for a couple of years. I have sang with them here and here, but this weekend is the mother lode.
We are performing, the band including me, a musical tribute to the life of Jesus, all in song, from his birth to his death and resurrection. We are doing tunes from Godspell (my absolute favorite show, next to "Rent"), Jesus Christ Superstar, and a show called The Witness, which I was never familiar with. I am singing with the band, and singing a solo tune, "I Don't Know How to Love Him" from Superstar. The performances are tomorrow and Sunday, free and open to the public.
I cannot fully express how excited and filled with joy about doing this, for many reasons. First, my love of music is intense. I have not had opportunities to perform it in the last few years, and when I am able to, due to time constraints or breathing constraints (I have asthma) I fully embrace the moment. Another reason, is the opportunity to perform with my brother; I love his singing voice, and we rarely get to do things like this together, and it really brings us closer.
One final reason, most closely connected to my previous post, is that I feel like God is fully in my heart when I raise my voice in song, especially songs about him and his son. The love that embodies a tune, the angst of the struggles, the power of his message, it all comes through so much more intensely for me in a song.
I am bursting with joy and anticipation!!! My song will carry love to the heavens!!!
Our spiritual connection.
I have always considered myself to be deeply spiritual. Even though I have a poor memory, so there is much that I don't remember about earlier years of my life, what I am able to recollect is the power that spirituality has always shown in my life.
Now, I am not really talking about religion here, except in the sense of how my spirituality has shown itself over the years. I am talking about a longing, a connection, a deep sensitivity to a realm totally outside of myself, yet part of me at the same time. Larger than anything in this world, yet small enough to fit inside my soul. The fear of the unknown, colliding with the peacefulness of knowing that all will be okay, all will be well.
Let me start by talking about my earliest memories of my spiritual experiences. I remember in my early teens, going to our local Catholic church, with my family for the biggies: Easter, Christmas Eve, Good Friday........ and the part that connected me to that spiritual side of myself was not so much the hymns, the prayers said in unison, the connection with others in the pews; it was the feeling of being in the presence of God, the knowledge that he was there, in that space, with us and watching over us. It was the incense and the candles and the sense that as current as I was, I was also in a time long ago, on the roads that Jesus walked......... spirituality at that time in my life, was observed by many, but it felt very much individual to me. My experience felt personal, I never spoke about it to anyone, and I really experienced most intensely when I was in a church.
As my teen years went by, I also found some connection with nature. I am Native American by heritage, of the Poarch Band Creek Nation from the state of Alabama, and enjoyed buying books and gaining knowledge about tribes, and spirits, and loving the earth. Being connected to animals, earth, and water also helped bring me a sense of soul, purpose, and connection. But it was still personally my own; I did not share it with others, I kept my thoughts and feelings to myself.
When I entered college, a Catholic college, I spent a great deal of time my first year in the Chapel, which was on the ground floor of my dorm. When it was late, and I was unable to sleep, and was plagued with concerns or worries, I went there for solace, for peace, for connection. I went during formal services also, sometimes even singing with the folk group, but my experience remained my own, my own journey, my own searching for God in those spaces alone.
In my twenties, I turned my back on churches. I was so sick and tired of churches judging me, judging others like me, putting restrictions and expectations on how I should worship, how I would be worthy to worship. I again turned to my Native American roots, I spent a lot of time alone, soul searching, I read many books, I sat by water, I grew my hair, I even had a vision of sorts; so, I saw spiritual connection in all that was living and part of the earth. I no longer darkened a church door to find it there. I was beginning to find it in the world at large.
Now, in these middle years of my time here on earth, my spiritual connection seems almost limitless. It doesn't only occur in my little quaint Methodist church that I belong to; it isn't only in the deer that run through my yard, or the trees that I plant, or the stars in the sky. I now see God in everything; every person, every object, every event. I feel His presence around me constantly; I sense Jesus' teachings and words in my every day actions; I feel the connection to the elders of my tribe of origin with every step I take upon Mother Earth. And, I share, I share my stories, I share my feelings, I commune with others of faith to also bring spiritual connection.
I have connected with what Melody Beattie calls the Divine Rhythm of Life.
Now, I am not really talking about religion here, except in the sense of how my spirituality has shown itself over the years. I am talking about a longing, a connection, a deep sensitivity to a realm totally outside of myself, yet part of me at the same time. Larger than anything in this world, yet small enough to fit inside my soul. The fear of the unknown, colliding with the peacefulness of knowing that all will be okay, all will be well.
Let me start by talking about my earliest memories of my spiritual experiences. I remember in my early teens, going to our local Catholic church, with my family for the biggies: Easter, Christmas Eve, Good Friday........ and the part that connected me to that spiritual side of myself was not so much the hymns, the prayers said in unison, the connection with others in the pews; it was the feeling of being in the presence of God, the knowledge that he was there, in that space, with us and watching over us. It was the incense and the candles and the sense that as current as I was, I was also in a time long ago, on the roads that Jesus walked......... spirituality at that time in my life, was observed by many, but it felt very much individual to me. My experience felt personal, I never spoke about it to anyone, and I really experienced most intensely when I was in a church.
As my teen years went by, I also found some connection with nature. I am Native American by heritage, of the Poarch Band Creek Nation from the state of Alabama, and enjoyed buying books and gaining knowledge about tribes, and spirits, and loving the earth. Being connected to animals, earth, and water also helped bring me a sense of soul, purpose, and connection. But it was still personally my own; I did not share it with others, I kept my thoughts and feelings to myself.
When I entered college, a Catholic college, I spent a great deal of time my first year in the Chapel, which was on the ground floor of my dorm. When it was late, and I was unable to sleep, and was plagued with concerns or worries, I went there for solace, for peace, for connection. I went during formal services also, sometimes even singing with the folk group, but my experience remained my own, my own journey, my own searching for God in those spaces alone.
In my twenties, I turned my back on churches. I was so sick and tired of churches judging me, judging others like me, putting restrictions and expectations on how I should worship, how I would be worthy to worship. I again turned to my Native American roots, I spent a lot of time alone, soul searching, I read many books, I sat by water, I grew my hair, I even had a vision of sorts; so, I saw spiritual connection in all that was living and part of the earth. I no longer darkened a church door to find it there. I was beginning to find it in the world at large.
Now, in these middle years of my time here on earth, my spiritual connection seems almost limitless. It doesn't only occur in my little quaint Methodist church that I belong to; it isn't only in the deer that run through my yard, or the trees that I plant, or the stars in the sky. I now see God in everything; every person, every object, every event. I feel His presence around me constantly; I sense Jesus' teachings and words in my every day actions; I feel the connection to the elders of my tribe of origin with every step I take upon Mother Earth. And, I share, I share my stories, I share my feelings, I commune with others of faith to also bring spiritual connection.
I have connected with what Melody Beattie calls the Divine Rhythm of Life.
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